Bill Simmons Went to VEGAS!!!!

Hey, you're still here? Sorry about not posting ever, I just don't read much online these days and I stick to Deadspin, TheBigLead and Firejaymariotti.

But I did catch that Bill Simmons went to Vegas recently. Oh yeah, you know what that Vegas means, another Vegas column about Vegas things that only happen in Vegas! Vegas. Bill and his Vegas friends are Vegas veterans, so you will be astounded at the hilarity of them playing Vegas craps, eating Vegas bad food, playing Vegas blackjack, having a group dinner, visiting a Vegas nightclub!!!! (oh boy!) and finally playing Vegas slots! Only in Vegas can you do all this! Seriously, if you try to get 10 guys together for dinner and fucking slots at Foxwoods, Mohegan Sun or Atlantic City, you'll get shot. Vegas!!!! VEGAS!!!

Since the columns (there's a day 1 and a day 2) are really long, I’ve just trimmed them down a bit, so you can get the Vegas gist.

These are the things you think about as you're driving to Vegas.

If there's someone else in the car, by Nevada law, you're required to scream out "VEH-GASSSSSSSSSSS!" like Double Down Trent.

Vegas. Vegas. Vegas.

Some people aren't quite meant for Vegas.

Time for another staple of any Vegas trip: Friday afternoon's "we just got here, we haven't gotten our gambling legs yet, we're not drunk or even buzzed ... let's grab this open craps table and throw dice together!"

That's veteran Vegas savvy -- you definitely want to be buzzed/drunk at the end of the night because it loosens you up and that's when you go on card runs, but you never want to be lightheaded drunk or sloppy drunk.

These are the things you say in Vegas.

Come on! It's Vegas! WE GOTTA SUCK IT UP! WE GOTTA FIGHT FOR THAT INCH! VEGAS!!!!

(VEGAS!!!!!!!!)

There's nothing quite like the feeling of waking up in Vegas and having absolutely no idea what time it is.

(These are the conversations you have in Vegas.)

Add this to the "great things about Vegas" list -- where else can you take a limo with 11 friends for 10 minutes?

I love Vegas.

Always respect the dead in Vegas.

(You gotta love Vegas.)

You know, every Vegas weekend has one song that every casino beats into the ground to the point that people groan when it comes on.

Call it the Vegas Diet.

Back to the room for second showers, shaves and a dress change, highlighted by Grady's phone call to his wife in which he adopts the Vegas Husband Voice.

(You're in Vegas, for god sakes.)

Out of nowhere, Mahady comes up with one of the three greatest Vegas ideas I have ever witnessed: Everyone throws in $100, we head to the slots and play as many Wheel of Fortune machines as possible at the same time.

Now I think we just need a new Vegas theory which I'm gonna call it the 'Vegas Shocker' theory.

(And if that e-mail didn't make any sense to you … well, you've never been to Vegas.)

Don't pull the Limo Price Bump move on old Vegas veterans like us, Driver With 17 Letters In Your First Name.

Time for another veteran Vegas move: My contact lenses are dry and killing me, so I order a spicy Bloody Mary with extra horseradish.

(Note: I should really teach a "What To Do In Vegas" class in college. UCLA, call me.)

These are the rules of Vegas.

See, it always evens out in Vegas.

Sometimes, you have to keep Vegas on its toes.

One of the mysteries of Vegas -- waking up that second morning and feeling fine.

"There should be a Web site that has before/after Vegas pictures," I say to Grady.

The obligatory hungover Vegas breakfast with Bish, Hopper and Grady.

We're just four washed-up Vegas sluggers watching a washed-up baseball slugger walk with his family.

Vegas, baby.

Vegas.

Vegas!!!!!

In all seriousness, the columns aren’t bad. I just can’t stand the constant references to Vegas like it’s another planet and Simmons acting like his friends and he do the town like a bunch of madmen.