The Bill Simmons Game

You may remember this post where I called out Bill Simmons for his nicknaming Kevin Durant. As a follow-up, let’s play a little game.

10 of these things were “analyzed” by Bill Simmons in this column about Kevin Durant and Greg Oden. The other 10 were not. Pick the 10 that you think are his.

1. Name: won by Durant
2. WOW Factor: Durant
3. Whammy! Factor: Durant
4. Unintentional Comedy: Oden
5. YouTube Clips: Durant
6. Intentional Comedy: Oden
7. Video Game Potential: Durant
8. Defense Repertoire: Oden
9. Clutch: Oden
10. Pantheon Potential: Durant
11. Vegas Factor: Durant
12. Impression made at NBA workouts: Oden
13. Fantasy Potential: Durant
14. Internet Presence: Even
15. Best “Skills”: Durant
16. Marketability: Durant
17. Stomach Punch Potential: Oden
18. Style/Swagger: Durant
19. Tremendous Upside Potential: Durant
20. Tremendous Downside Potential: Oden

The scoring grid

0-3 correct: This is actually hard to do, even if you just guessed. But you’ve probably never read Bill Simmons.
4-6 correct: You are reading the right amount of Bill Simmons, do not read any more. Keep skimming those 6,000 word mailbags.
7-9 correct: You are dangerously close to reading too much Bill Simmons.
10 correct: You imagine yourself chilling with Bill, J-Bug and Hench, and you probably named your dog “The Dooze 2”. Just stop.

I made up 3, 5, 7, 9, 10, 11, 13, 15, 17, 18

If you think those categories are useless (yeah I know, he’s just having fun), check out the ones he used a while back to compare David Ortiz and Larry Bird (middle of page).

Bill Simmons: Only I May Steal Other People’s Nicknames

Bill Simmons has decided to do a hardcore comparison of Kevin Durant and Greg Oden to determine who is the better number 1 pick (here). He compared offense, defense, rebounding….just kidding…he mostly compared a bunch of stupid shit. One of the items Simmons’ “analyzed” was nickname. Or nickname potential, I guess. This is what he had to say:

NICKNAMES: Thankfully, there will be no T-Mac-ing either guy;

(that sounds gross)

not even Linda Cohn would be okay with G-Ode or K-Dur. Still, I don't see Oden ending up with a better alternative. He's trapped in that vaguely bland Sampras/Duncan/Ewing zone, where it makes the most sense to call him Greg. There is Robert Parish's nickname, The Chief, because Oden is similarly stoic and regal, but I'm morally opposed to recycled nicknames. I believe LaDainian Tomlinson should do time for stealing LT from LT. Plus, others might be morally opposed on PC grounds. So The Chief is out, and Greg it is.

Let’s summarize the first paragraph real quick and in his words: “I’m morally opposed to recycling nicknames.”

Meanwhile, despite some recent KD momentum -- color me lukewarm -- Durant is a natural for a supercool alias. Not something forced like King James, either. I nominate Plastic Man, after the cartoon superhero who always had a smoking-hot girlfriend (for obvious reasons). We never should have wasted such a great nickname on Stacey Augmon. I'm calling a mulligan. EDGE: Durant

The second paragraph (paraphrased): I have a great idea for a nickname! Stacey Augmon’s nickname! Plastic Man!

I know he’s saying that Augmon wasn’t worthy of the nickname (is it that good, really?), but really he’s just being lazy and contradicting himself. By the way, Augmon got that nickname due to some especially sick dunks he threw down early in his career where he had great extension with his left (dunking) hand. Sooo….no mulligan, sorry.

I think we should call him Air, Broadway, Yankee Clipper, Smokin’, or Magic. Are those taken?

Also, I think the last name "James" lends itself to the nickname of "King", so I disagree that it sounds forced. I did like the jab at Linda Cohn.