Every day Deadspin picks on the ESPN comment of the day (rightfully so), and the commenters mock the ESPN comment.
I’m not a Deadspin commenter – and my fear of rejection has scared me away from the audition process (well, mostly it’s my fear of killing more than 15 minutes a day on the site). I really tense up and start pulling a Chris Farley and slapping myself upside the head and calling myself an idiot. Anyway, I may occasionally do my own comment here, for you, the readers of this blog. So basically Deadspin, which is a great site if you live under a rock and have never been, has done something clever, and instead of burying my comment in with the dozens or hundreds of theirs, I’ll just post it here instead.
Here’s today’s Featured Comment:
"I would only watch golf if it was full contact." — exposrangers
Here’s what I would post in the comment section if I was funny enough to be a Deadspin commenter:
“I would only watch gay animal porn if it was bull contact”
Or
“I only watch vintage Atlanta Hawks highlights if it’s full Koncak”
Wicked hilarious, right? See, Jon Koncak was a dorky looking stiff.
Showing posts with label Terrible Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Terrible Jokes. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Scoop Jackson Writes Jokes: I Read Them Literally
This Sunday, the Patriots and the Giants are playing in the Super Bowl. Yes. Sunday. This Sunday. Scoop Jackson has done us all a favor and written a ton of joke-type phrases to explain what it will mean. I am unable to read these phrases and see why they are jokes and laugh at them. So let’s just read them literally to try to figure out why there may have been a joke there or something.
Going 19-0 will mean ...
... Tom Brady can make one Bill Clintonesque mistake and be unconditionally forgiven by everyone, including Gisele.
Going 19-0 means Tom Brady can fuck around on his girlfriend? Why would he need forgiveness from anyone BUT Gisele?
... Kyle Brady, after 13 seasons in the NFL, can go into bars and clubs and tell women his name is Tom and they won't notice the difference.
What? Why? Wouldn’t they notice the difference MORE….because Tom Brady will be MORE famous?
... Randy Moss can moon anyone he wants, run over anyone he wants in his car, leave any game he wants while time is still on the clock, smoke as much weed as he wants, never shave and argue with as many ex-girlfriends and baby mamas as he wants. And it'll be all good.
No he can’t, as the sports columnists will rip him for it. I guess 19-0 is so big that he can do drugs and it's okay? This is.....funny?
... All head coaches will be required to wear team-issued hoodies on game day.
Like Bill Belichick? Why would they be required to? What is the fucking joke? Is the joke just that he wears a hoodie??!?!?!??!?!
... People will finally realize that Vince Wilfork is one of the best defensive linemen in the NFL.
He made the Pro Bowl. Does that mean anything? No?
... The destroyed evidence of Spygate can never be written about or mentioned ever again in public.
Tell that the Gregg Easterbrook. That guy is still livid. It’s awesome.
... Bill Simmons has to write "Now I Can Die In Peace II."
This would be the Patriots’ fourth super bowl ring in seven years. I don’t think Bill Simmons’ ability to die in peace has anything to do with the outcome.
... That Bobby Brown, a native of Roxbury, Mass., can say anything he pleases and the world has to accept it.
Why? What does Bobby Brown have to do with anything? Because he’s from Massachusetts? No Mitt Romney joke? Ted Kennedy? Matt Damon even? Bobby Brown? Every little step I take….Everybody’s Humpin’ around?? That guy?
... Rodney Harrison's "That is the most ridiculous thing (I've) ever heard," comment made after the Week 6 win over the Cowboys, after being asked about going 19-0, is now the most ridiculous thing ever said.
No it’s not. The most ridiculous thing ever said was by Mr. Scoopward Jackson….about Lebron James. It inspired me to start this blog. It was:
“It means he might be He.”
So simple, yet so stupid.
... Junior Seau can grow some facial hair, let the gray show in his mustache and beard, and not even have to think about playin' himself by doing a commercial with Emmitt Smith, Walt Frazier and Keith Hernandez.
He can? Why? All those guys won championships. What’s going on?
... Owner Bob Kraft can walk into the next NFL owners' meeting and act like Marlo Stansfield does in the co-op meetings on "The Wire."
Hmm you get a pass here Jackson, because I’ve never seen the Wire.
... Kevin Faulk will no longer be called Marshall Faulk by mistake.
People sometimes call Kevin Faulk “Marshall”. Really?
Oh they don’t? They just have the same last names. So.....that's the joke?
... Raymond Ventrone, the undrafted Jets reject (the Jets released him in September) who sees action on special teams for the Patriots, will get supermodels' cell numbers and be seen doing TV spots in Brockton, Mass., for Absolute Car and Truck Center.
He will? Why? Because the Patriots won the Super Bowl? Which Supermodel? WHAT? Will they all have Supermodel girlfriends? Are there enough Supermodels in the world? What is Absolute Car and Truck Center and what does it have to do with….anything? Is that a joke?
... Players like left tackle Matt Light, left guard Logan Mankins and right guard Stephen Neal will become household names like Bruschi, Seau and Vrabel.
Household names where? North Andover, Massachusetts? Holla!
... That "RIP" cannot be placed on Mercury Morris' tombstone.
Hey! That was decent! Keep it up, man!
... Willie McGinest, Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy and Deion Branch were irrelevant.
Well one in a row isn’t bad.
Um…..to 2007? Yes. To past Super Bowls? What??
... Wes Welker doesn't have to be Tom Brady's wing man or alibi guy at this year's secret, off-the-island Pro Bowl parties.
So if they lose he has to be his alibi guy? Whatever that is? WHAT?
... Mike Vrabel can reapply back to Ohio State so the Buckeyes can finally win a BCS title.
He can? Isn’t that against the rules?
Oh it is? Okay. So this is just a joke? WHAT?
... Twenty years from now kicker Stephen Gostkowski can be relaxing at a game and asked to do an impromptu interview, and during the interview he can demand a kiss from the sideline reporter, get the kiss, and everyone will think it was cute and great television. And even though both will be married at the time, no one -- not even the spouses -- will be upset.
But no one will know who he is in 20 years. Wouldn’t his wife be mad? No? Because he was on the 2007 Patriots? Ha ha?????
... Asante Samuel and Laurence Maroney no longer have to hear Das EFX jokes.
Because they are hearing a lot of them now? Oh, they’re not? Can you post a "laughter and applause" sign in this column, I'm lost.
... The Ford Taurus that Rosevelt Colvin explained was sent to pick him up from the airport when the Pats signed him as a free agent will become standard issue for all NFL teams after trades and signings, replacing limos.
Because it helped the team play football better? Did I get that one right?
... Every NFL owner will use the fact that New England has a roster of superstars playing so far below their market value it's bordering on disrespectful (Randy Moss took a $6 million pay cut, Junior Seau is making only $1 million, Bruschi $1.7 million, etc.) as the new way to do business. Despite knowing there is no way this will ever happen again, it will not stop them from trying to use it to their financial advantage.
But most teams didn’t want Randy Moss or Junior Seau. So doesn't that make no sense?
... Charlie Weis is somewhere, saying, "I shoulda stayed."
Do you really think he cares? He’s making crazy money and has a 10 year contract.
... Belligerent, arrogant, cantankerous, indignant, asterisk-needing, egotistical, smug, vainglorious, narcissistic, corrupt, disingenuous, cunning, deceitful, and pompous all become adjectives of endearment.
Vainglorious? Did you punch this into thesaurus.com or something?
... That silver might be added as America's fourth official color.
Like, on the flag? But wouldn’t it look stupid?
Oh, you're saying the Patriots are THAT good?! I get it, I think.
... That "check your egos at the door" no longer has meaning.
But isn’t that like, their motto or something? Wouldn’t it have MORE meaning?
... That Hef has to let Brady back into the mansion.
He’s not allowed in the mansion?
Oh, you made that up, to make up the antithesis and use it as a joke? Do I laugh now or wait for the next joke? What is going on?
... That dynasty finally has a one-season definition forever.
One-season definition? Forever? Finally?
So you’ve been waiting for the term dynasty to have a one-season definition, which is stupidly impossible?
I’ll let you know when Scoop answers my questions.
Going 19-0 will mean ...
... Tom Brady can make one Bill Clintonesque mistake and be unconditionally forgiven by everyone, including Gisele.
Going 19-0 means Tom Brady can fuck around on his girlfriend? Why would he need forgiveness from anyone BUT Gisele?
... Kyle Brady, after 13 seasons in the NFL, can go into bars and clubs and tell women his name is Tom and they won't notice the difference.
What? Why? Wouldn’t they notice the difference MORE….because Tom Brady will be MORE famous?
... Randy Moss can moon anyone he wants, run over anyone he wants in his car, leave any game he wants while time is still on the clock, smoke as much weed as he wants, never shave and argue with as many ex-girlfriends and baby mamas as he wants. And it'll be all good.
No he can’t, as the sports columnists will rip him for it. I guess 19-0 is so big that he can do drugs and it's okay? This is.....funny?
... All head coaches will be required to wear team-issued hoodies on game day.
Like Bill Belichick? Why would they be required to? What is the fucking joke? Is the joke just that he wears a hoodie??!?!?!??!?!
... People will finally realize that Vince Wilfork is one of the best defensive linemen in the NFL.
He made the Pro Bowl. Does that mean anything? No?
... The destroyed evidence of Spygate can never be written about or mentioned ever again in public.
Tell that the Gregg Easterbrook. That guy is still livid. It’s awesome.
... Bill Simmons has to write "Now I Can Die In Peace II."
This would be the Patriots’ fourth super bowl ring in seven years. I don’t think Bill Simmons’ ability to die in peace has anything to do with the outcome.
... That Bobby Brown, a native of Roxbury, Mass., can say anything he pleases and the world has to accept it.
Why? What does Bobby Brown have to do with anything? Because he’s from Massachusetts? No Mitt Romney joke? Ted Kennedy? Matt Damon even? Bobby Brown? Every little step I take….Everybody’s Humpin’ around?? That guy?
... Rodney Harrison's "That is the most ridiculous thing (I've) ever heard," comment made after the Week 6 win over the Cowboys, after being asked about going 19-0, is now the most ridiculous thing ever said.
No it’s not. The most ridiculous thing ever said was by Mr. Scoopward Jackson….about Lebron James. It inspired me to start this blog. It was:
“It means he might be He.”
So simple, yet so stupid.
... Junior Seau can grow some facial hair, let the gray show in his mustache and beard, and not even have to think about playin' himself by doing a commercial with Emmitt Smith, Walt Frazier and Keith Hernandez.
He can? Why? All those guys won championships. What’s going on?
... Owner Bob Kraft can walk into the next NFL owners' meeting and act like Marlo Stansfield does in the co-op meetings on "The Wire."
Hmm you get a pass here Jackson, because I’ve never seen the Wire.
... Kevin Faulk will no longer be called Marshall Faulk by mistake.
People sometimes call Kevin Faulk “Marshall”. Really?
Oh they don’t? They just have the same last names. So.....that's the joke?
... Raymond Ventrone, the undrafted Jets reject (the Jets released him in September) who sees action on special teams for the Patriots, will get supermodels' cell numbers and be seen doing TV spots in Brockton, Mass., for Absolute Car and Truck Center.
He will? Why? Because the Patriots won the Super Bowl? Which Supermodel? WHAT? Will they all have Supermodel girlfriends? Are there enough Supermodels in the world? What is Absolute Car and Truck Center and what does it have to do with….anything? Is that a joke?
... Players like left tackle Matt Light, left guard Logan Mankins and right guard Stephen Neal will become household names like Bruschi, Seau and Vrabel.
Household names where? North Andover, Massachusetts? Holla!
... That "RIP" cannot be placed on Mercury Morris' tombstone.
Hey! That was decent! Keep it up, man!
... Willie McGinest, Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy and Deion Branch were irrelevant.
Well one in a row isn’t bad.
Um…..to 2007? Yes. To past Super Bowls? What??
... Wes Welker doesn't have to be Tom Brady's wing man or alibi guy at this year's secret, off-the-island Pro Bowl parties.
So if they lose he has to be his alibi guy? Whatever that is? WHAT?
... Mike Vrabel can reapply back to Ohio State so the Buckeyes can finally win a BCS title.
He can? Isn’t that against the rules?
Oh it is? Okay. So this is just a joke? WHAT?
... Twenty years from now kicker Stephen Gostkowski can be relaxing at a game and asked to do an impromptu interview, and during the interview he can demand a kiss from the sideline reporter, get the kiss, and everyone will think it was cute and great television. And even though both will be married at the time, no one -- not even the spouses -- will be upset.
But no one will know who he is in 20 years. Wouldn’t his wife be mad? No? Because he was on the 2007 Patriots? Ha ha?????
... Asante Samuel and Laurence Maroney no longer have to hear Das EFX jokes.
Because they are hearing a lot of them now? Oh, they’re not? Can you post a "laughter and applause" sign in this column, I'm lost.
... The Ford Taurus that Rosevelt Colvin explained was sent to pick him up from the airport when the Pats signed him as a free agent will become standard issue for all NFL teams after trades and signings, replacing limos.
Because it helped the team play football better? Did I get that one right?
... Every NFL owner will use the fact that New England has a roster of superstars playing so far below their market value it's bordering on disrespectful (Randy Moss took a $6 million pay cut, Junior Seau is making only $1 million, Bruschi $1.7 million, etc.) as the new way to do business. Despite knowing there is no way this will ever happen again, it will not stop them from trying to use it to their financial advantage.
But most teams didn’t want Randy Moss or Junior Seau. So doesn't that make no sense?
... Charlie Weis is somewhere, saying, "I shoulda stayed."
Do you really think he cares? He’s making crazy money and has a 10 year contract.
... Belligerent, arrogant, cantankerous, indignant, asterisk-needing, egotistical, smug, vainglorious, narcissistic, corrupt, disingenuous, cunning, deceitful, and pompous all become adjectives of endearment.
Vainglorious? Did you punch this into thesaurus.com or something?
... That silver might be added as America's fourth official color.
Like, on the flag? But wouldn’t it look stupid?
Oh, you're saying the Patriots are THAT good?! I get it, I think.
... That "check your egos at the door" no longer has meaning.
But isn’t that like, their motto or something? Wouldn’t it have MORE meaning?
... That Hef has to let Brady back into the mansion.
He’s not allowed in the mansion?
Oh, you made that up, to make up the antithesis and use it as a joke? Do I laugh now or wait for the next joke? What is going on?
... That dynasty finally has a one-season definition forever.
One-season definition? Forever? Finally?
So you’ve been waiting for the term dynasty to have a one-season definition, which is stupidly impossible?
I’ll let you know when Scoop answers my questions.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Jon Heyman, Folks. Don’t Forget to Tip Your Server.
Jon Heyman of SI, on the subject of Kenny Rogers’ contract negotiations, in today’s Daily Scoop:
Rogers is a talented pitcher. But he should stop taking business advice from Gary Sheffield, who's no Warren Buffett or Boras. Maybe Rogers and Sheffield could start their own agency for cheap players and call it "Knuckleheads Incorporated."
Maybe Heyman should start his own magazine called "Stupidheads Illustrated"!
Also, is it too soon to point out that Heyman predicted the Yankees chance of signing A-Rod this offseason at 25-1, or 4%? Those odds were lower than the Cubs, who have an All-Star third baseman under contract and are trying to be sold.
Rogers is a talented pitcher. But he should stop taking business advice from Gary Sheffield, who's no Warren Buffett or Boras. Maybe Rogers and Sheffield could start their own agency for cheap players and call it "Knuckleheads Incorporated."
Maybe Heyman should start his own magazine called "Stupidheads Illustrated"!
Also, is it too soon to point out that Heyman predicted the Yankees chance of signing A-Rod this offseason at 25-1, or 4%? Those odds were lower than the Cubs, who have an All-Star third baseman under contract and are trying to be sold.
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Deadline Time…Errr A-Rod Sucks!
What kind of a jerk of a free agent in baseball opts out of his contract as he is contractually able to do and is friends with Warren Buffett? Give up? It’s Alex Rodrasshole, that’s who. Scott Miller is here to call him out on it!*
*with jokes!
Phew, good thing newly minted American League Most Valuable Player Alex Rodriguez was advised by Warren Buffett, not singer Jimmy Buffett, in closing his spanking new 10-year, $275 million deal with the Yankees.
I get it. They have the same last name, but vastly different vocations!
Now officially armed with a third AL MVP award and another record-setting contract (soon as the ink dries), our favorite opt-out action hero has enough dough to buy pretty much all of South Florida, not just his hometown of Miami.
He could try from now until he wins a World Series ring to squander these riches. It ain't happening. But oh, if only money could purchase a World Series ring. ...
Oh my god you’re right – he’s never made a World Series. I haven’t heard that before. He’s the highest paid player in baseball but has been unable to personally deliver his team a championship. Is any writer for a mainstream site, anywhere, at all original?
He does have a pirate's plunder worth of image rehabbing to do, though he's not quite there yet. A-Rod made it quite clear in a conference call Monday that he only wanted to talk about the 2007 season, and while he knows that "everything that's been going on since the end of the season has been news" he prefers not to delve into other subjects until later, reminding that "the finish line is in sight."
I have a hard time seeing what is wrong with that. But, of course, I don’t have a deadline to meet to write strained and pointless column.
Presumably, he'll open up after the i's are dotted and the t's crossed in his new Yankees deal, and it sounds as if he's preparing for a formal news conference in the Bronx sometime next week. It may be the first news conference that requires attendance from Mr. Opt Out, the Sons of Steinbrenner, the New York Times, Warren Buffett and Dr. Phil. Yikes.
Yikes is right. So far this column has been widely known information and terrible anecdotes.
(2 paragraphs deleted - nothing new)
Seriously, though ... have we reached a point in the Grand Old Game where Warren Buffett plays Henry Kissinger in the peace talks? Commissioner Bud Selig must not be kidding when he speaks of the game's record-setting $6 billion in revenues in '07. It's like those old E.F. Hutton commercials -- even Warren Buffett pays attention.
A lot of Warren Buffett references, right? Yeah, he's not close to being done. Why is it to A-Rod’s discredit that he is friends with Warren Buffett, who is by most accounts a smart, generous, ethical businessman? Can this guy do anything right? Other than hit baseballs of course, which is the only thing we should care about.
"Warren and I have a wonderful relationship," Rodriguez said. "I can expand on that when all of this is done and finished."
Asshole. Scott Miller wants to know now.
But it is true the ol' financial mogul said late last summer he knew A-Rod was going to have a slam-bang season based on a conversation between the two early in the year.
"I don't know," Rodriguez said. "We usually visit every year. Warren and I are friends. He maybe saw the passion in my eyes. You've got to ask Warren. He's very reachable in Omaha.
"He's good at foreseeing things in business, and now he's doing it in baseball, too. That's pretty good."
Lord, this does get more twisted with every turn. There are more angles to this guy than in a geometry classroom.
What? What is confusing about this? Or twisted? Or at all worthy of being made fun of? I seriously think Scott just hit a deadline and had nothing to write about. He’s barely adding anything here. His formula is Quote + Pop culture reference + A-Rod insult = Gold.
The latest, most up-to-date field guide on the new AL MVP:
He then goes on to tell us each of the media’s terrible nicknames for Rodriguez and their origins. Yes, it’s as interesting as it sounds. I’ll just show you the nicknames and cut all the bullshit out. You can seriously surmise everything that Scott said just by reading the names, because he added no value.
A-Rod
Pay-Rod
Stray-Rod
E-Rod
A-Fraud
K-Rod: Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez. The term "K-Rod" actually has nothing to do with "A-Rod."
Soooo, is that a joke? Was I supposed to laugh there? It is as relevant as all this other bullshit you’re throwing in here anyway.
Nim-Rod
The Cooler
LA-Rod
Stay-Rod
Listening to his dreamy descriptions, he felt, we can be sure, almost like a Cheeseburger in Paradise. Had he been on the receiving end of tips from Jimmy Buffett instead of Warren, of course.
Column ends there. Some problems with this reference/joke:
1. How do you feel like a Cheeseburger?
2. If you feel like a Cheeseburger, how do you have ears to listen with?
3. You already used the Jimmy/Warren Buffett “angle”.
4. It doesn’t make any sense.
5. It is not funny.
*with jokes!
Phew, good thing newly minted American League Most Valuable Player Alex Rodriguez was advised by Warren Buffett, not singer Jimmy Buffett, in closing his spanking new 10-year, $275 million deal with the Yankees.
I get it. They have the same last name, but vastly different vocations!
Now officially armed with a third AL MVP award and another record-setting contract (soon as the ink dries), our favorite opt-out action hero has enough dough to buy pretty much all of South Florida, not just his hometown of Miami.
He could try from now until he wins a World Series ring to squander these riches. It ain't happening. But oh, if only money could purchase a World Series ring. ...
Oh my god you’re right – he’s never made a World Series. I haven’t heard that before. He’s the highest paid player in baseball but has been unable to personally deliver his team a championship. Is any writer for a mainstream site, anywhere, at all original?
He does have a pirate's plunder worth of image rehabbing to do, though he's not quite there yet. A-Rod made it quite clear in a conference call Monday that he only wanted to talk about the 2007 season, and while he knows that "everything that's been going on since the end of the season has been news" he prefers not to delve into other subjects until later, reminding that "the finish line is in sight."
I have a hard time seeing what is wrong with that. But, of course, I don’t have a deadline to meet to write strained and pointless column.
Presumably, he'll open up after the i's are dotted and the t's crossed in his new Yankees deal, and it sounds as if he's preparing for a formal news conference in the Bronx sometime next week. It may be the first news conference that requires attendance from Mr. Opt Out, the Sons of Steinbrenner, the New York Times, Warren Buffett and Dr. Phil. Yikes.
Yikes is right. So far this column has been widely known information and terrible anecdotes.
(2 paragraphs deleted - nothing new)
Seriously, though ... have we reached a point in the Grand Old Game where Warren Buffett plays Henry Kissinger in the peace talks? Commissioner Bud Selig must not be kidding when he speaks of the game's record-setting $6 billion in revenues in '07. It's like those old E.F. Hutton commercials -- even Warren Buffett pays attention.
A lot of Warren Buffett references, right? Yeah, he's not close to being done. Why is it to A-Rod’s discredit that he is friends with Warren Buffett, who is by most accounts a smart, generous, ethical businessman? Can this guy do anything right? Other than hit baseballs of course, which is the only thing we should care about.
"Warren and I have a wonderful relationship," Rodriguez said. "I can expand on that when all of this is done and finished."
Asshole. Scott Miller wants to know now.
But it is true the ol' financial mogul said late last summer he knew A-Rod was going to have a slam-bang season based on a conversation between the two early in the year.
"I don't know," Rodriguez said. "We usually visit every year. Warren and I are friends. He maybe saw the passion in my eyes. You've got to ask Warren. He's very reachable in Omaha.
"He's good at foreseeing things in business, and now he's doing it in baseball, too. That's pretty good."
Lord, this does get more twisted with every turn. There are more angles to this guy than in a geometry classroom.
What? What is confusing about this? Or twisted? Or at all worthy of being made fun of? I seriously think Scott just hit a deadline and had nothing to write about. He’s barely adding anything here. His formula is Quote + Pop culture reference + A-Rod insult = Gold.
The latest, most up-to-date field guide on the new AL MVP:
He then goes on to tell us each of the media’s terrible nicknames for Rodriguez and their origins. Yes, it’s as interesting as it sounds. I’ll just show you the nicknames and cut all the bullshit out. You can seriously surmise everything that Scott said just by reading the names, because he added no value.
A-Rod
Pay-Rod
Stray-Rod
E-Rod
A-Fraud
K-Rod: Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez. The term "K-Rod" actually has nothing to do with "A-Rod."
Soooo, is that a joke? Was I supposed to laugh there? It is as relevant as all this other bullshit you’re throwing in here anyway.
Nim-Rod
The Cooler
LA-Rod
Stay-Rod
Listening to his dreamy descriptions, he felt, we can be sure, almost like a Cheeseburger in Paradise. Had he been on the receiving end of tips from Jimmy Buffett instead of Warren, of course.
Column ends there. Some problems with this reference/joke:
1. How do you feel like a Cheeseburger?
2. If you feel like a Cheeseburger, how do you have ears to listen with?
3. You already used the Jimmy/Warren Buffett “angle”.
4. It doesn’t make any sense.
5. It is not funny.
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Ed Hardiman: 0 for 10
I have nothing to add, just that this is absolutely terrible.
This isn't a column with jokes, this is a list of jokes. They are all terrible.
This isn't a column with jokes, this is a list of jokes. They are all terrible.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Scott Miller Is Still Working on His Material
Scott Miller at CBS sportsline is still pounding away the jokes. You may remember this post, where I implored him to be a little bit more economical with is material, because it’s repetitive and sucky. No dice. Let’s take a look at some of his review of the ALCS game 1 from Friday night.
How about next time C.C. Sabathia simply hands over his lunch money to Manny Ramirez before the trouble starts?
Manny Ramirez owns C.C. Sabathia, as the numbers show (Miller give us these numbers, Ramirez is hitting .609 lifetime against Sabathia).
What happened after school at the bus stop between the neighborhood bully and the neighborhood shrimp was civil in comparison.
Got it. As John Kerry would say, Manny Ortiz has been dominating.
And oh, while he's at it, Sabathia might want to just present David Ortiz with the keys to his Hummer, or whatever ride he's cruising around in now.
Is everyone on board with Scott’s line of humor now? Don't worry, he'll drive this home for you more than Ramirez and Ortiz crossed home last night! Ding!
Probably, genuflecting in front of the both of them is out of the question. But it sure merits consideration.
Fuck you.
I think before game 2, Fausto Carmona should just blow Manny Ramirez!
Okay that was mine.
Here we were at the much-anticipated pitching showdown between two of the top American League Cy Young candidates in Game 1 here Friday night, and a Josh Beckett hoedown broke out. Or mow down. As Beckett soared, Sabathia was gored.
Somewhere in Los Angeles, Bill Plaschke just wiped a single tear off his cheek while he read this. “Such poetry!” he proclaimed. Then he chastised Miller for having three sentences in a paragraph. One and done, that’s his motto.
Or before Manny and Big Papi swipe their wallets and wedding rings, too.
Is everyone up to speed? Manny and Big Papi are hitting real good. We have numbers to support this, but that’s not enough color, right? So we need Scott Miller, in the same column, saying that the Indians/Sabathia should just hand over lunch money, keys to a Hummer, wallets and wedding rings, then bow in admiration. Can’t numbers just say this much more effectively.
Actually, let’s look at the numbers. No jokes here, but the numbers are insane, so I had to leave them in there.
And the two of them together? This postseason, Ortiz has reached base in 16 of 18 plate appearances, and Ramirez has reached in 13 of 18 plate appearances.
Together, they've reached in 29 of 36 plate appearances, going 12-for-19 (.805 on-base percentage) with 16 walks, one hit batter (Ortiz) and 12 runs scored. It's ludicrous.
Those numbers are ludicrous, and they speak for themselves.
"I've never seen anything like it," Boston third baseman Mike Lowell said.
"That's kind of extreme," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said.
"Would you like some fries with all those shakes?" said the Indians.
Yes, those three quotes appear in order. I’ve read this joke like 50 times and I can’t figure out what it means.
How about next time C.C. Sabathia simply hands over his lunch money to Manny Ramirez before the trouble starts?
Manny Ramirez owns C.C. Sabathia, as the numbers show (Miller give us these numbers, Ramirez is hitting .609 lifetime against Sabathia).
What happened after school at the bus stop between the neighborhood bully and the neighborhood shrimp was civil in comparison.
Got it. As John Kerry would say, Manny Ortiz has been dominating.
And oh, while he's at it, Sabathia might want to just present David Ortiz with the keys to his Hummer, or whatever ride he's cruising around in now.
Is everyone on board with Scott’s line of humor now? Don't worry, he'll drive this home for you more than Ramirez and Ortiz crossed home last night! Ding!
Probably, genuflecting in front of the both of them is out of the question. But it sure merits consideration.
Fuck you.
I think before game 2, Fausto Carmona should just blow Manny Ramirez!
Okay that was mine.
Here we were at the much-anticipated pitching showdown between two of the top American League Cy Young candidates in Game 1 here Friday night, and a Josh Beckett hoedown broke out. Or mow down. As Beckett soared, Sabathia was gored.
Somewhere in Los Angeles, Bill Plaschke just wiped a single tear off his cheek while he read this. “Such poetry!” he proclaimed. Then he chastised Miller for having three sentences in a paragraph. One and done, that’s his motto.
Or before Manny and Big Papi swipe their wallets and wedding rings, too.
Is everyone up to speed? Manny and Big Papi are hitting real good. We have numbers to support this, but that’s not enough color, right? So we need Scott Miller, in the same column, saying that the Indians/Sabathia should just hand over lunch money, keys to a Hummer, wallets and wedding rings, then bow in admiration. Can’t numbers just say this much more effectively.
Actually, let’s look at the numbers. No jokes here, but the numbers are insane, so I had to leave them in there.
And the two of them together? This postseason, Ortiz has reached base in 16 of 18 plate appearances, and Ramirez has reached in 13 of 18 plate appearances.
Together, they've reached in 29 of 36 plate appearances, going 12-for-19 (.805 on-base percentage) with 16 walks, one hit batter (Ortiz) and 12 runs scored. It's ludicrous.
Those numbers are ludicrous, and they speak for themselves.
"I've never seen anything like it," Boston third baseman Mike Lowell said.
"That's kind of extreme," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said.
"Would you like some fries with all those shakes?" said the Indians.
Yes, those three quotes appear in order. I’ve read this joke like 50 times and I can’t figure out what it means.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Red Sox – Yankees Games Are So Long…..
You: How long are they?
Scott Miller: So long I wrote over 850 words about it with a ton of jokes!
The Red Sox and Yankees play long games. There, that was easy. A little boring, yes, but easy. But the problem is that I’m not funny, so that wasn’t entertaining. Scott Miller at CBS Sportsline.com, now that guy is funny. Don’t believe me? Well read here how he tells you that the Red Sox and Yankees play long games. This is probably not safe for work or if you’re eating, because you’re riotous laughter will probably get you fired, or you may just choke to death (see, i'm not funny).
Weekend Buzz: You can catch Z's in ALCS if Yankees, Sox meet
Some excerpts:
Except, when they get together with the Yankees, "steaming" isn't quite the correct verb. "Plodding", maybe. "Walking." "Lollygagging."
So…the games are long. Okay.
During their 18-game series this summer, the average time of a Yankees-Red Sox game was 3 hours and 35 minutes. The average nine-inning AL game lasted 2:54.
A grand total of 17 of the 18 Red Sox-Yankees games lasted three hours or longer, seven of the 18 were 3½ hours or longer and two of the 17 took more than four hours to play.
Just one lasted fewer than three hours -- barely. New York's 8-3 win on May 23 checked in at 2:59.
Informative, nice work. Thanks. That’s a lot of info that is mildly interesting.
Zzzzz. ...
Ahahahaha….you “fell asleep”. Hi-larious.
Geez, no wonder Daisuke Matsuzaka (14-12, 4.41 ERA) hasn't been all that for the Red Sox this year. The guy threw 120 pitches on Friday and it only got him through 5 2/3 innings. Last laugh is on him regarding that supposedly luxurious six-year, $52 million contract. It works out to about 12 cents an hour in Yankees games.
The games are so long that…$8.5+ million/year = 12 cents….per hour…pretty funny! That’s funny because Daisuke makes a lot of money so the games must be real long for his hourly rate to be so diluted!
Not a good joke, but whatever we can’t all be as funny as Gene Wojciechowski (myself definitely included). The problem is that it doesn’t end there.
On Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima's recent struggles:
Perhaps the "Okey-Dokey" wouldn't be fading in Fenway if the Red Sox and Yankees didn't play at hokey-pokey pace.
Please.
Stop.
The Yankees and Red Sox may have the game's two highest payrolls, but they continue to play like a couple of persnickety art collectors.
Wow, just wow. Because they are really detailed? I don’t get it.
Not that Friday night's game took forever, but after watching the first inning on television, I mowed my grass twice, washed my fleet of cars, shot a round of golf, cooked a six-course dinner ... and still caught the last three innings.
Right. Long. Gotcha.
On the prospect of another Yankees – Red Sox ALCS:
This happens again, then Fox should ask for 3 p.m. start times -- so that innings 6 through 9 can be played in prime time, rather than at 2 a.m. No-Doz can sponsor.
So, in this case, you could have thrown any one of those jokes in there and it merely would have been a bad joke following some informative data on game lengths. You have to just use your best joke and end it. I’ll use an example to show what I mean:
Me: Stu, did you see the Red Sox game last night.
Stuart Scott: A little, I was sort of half watching it.
Me: Oh right, because of your lazy eye. Well it was so long I think Roger Clemens retired in the 3rd and unretired in the 8th.
Stuart Scott: What did you say?
Me: It was so long I’m pretty sure I could have driven to Fenway from the Bronx in the fourth and made it by the 7th inning stretch.
Stuart Scott: About MY EYE?
Me: It was so long that Tim Wakefield changed his name to Tim Sleepfield and Philip Hughes to Philip SNOOZE!
Me: It was so long that I mowed my grass twice, washed my fleet of cars, shot a round of golf, cooked a six course dinner…and still caught the last three innings.
See how that got progressively worse? Don’t do that. One joke and end it.
Scott Miller: So long I wrote over 850 words about it with a ton of jokes!
The Red Sox and Yankees play long games. There, that was easy. A little boring, yes, but easy. But the problem is that I’m not funny, so that wasn’t entertaining. Scott Miller at CBS Sportsline.com, now that guy is funny. Don’t believe me? Well read here how he tells you that the Red Sox and Yankees play long games. This is probably not safe for work or if you’re eating, because you’re riotous laughter will probably get you fired, or you may just choke to death (see, i'm not funny).
Weekend Buzz: You can catch Z's in ALCS if Yankees, Sox meet
Some excerpts:
Except, when they get together with the Yankees, "steaming" isn't quite the correct verb. "Plodding", maybe. "Walking." "Lollygagging."
So…the games are long. Okay.
During their 18-game series this summer, the average time of a Yankees-Red Sox game was 3 hours and 35 minutes. The average nine-inning AL game lasted 2:54.
A grand total of 17 of the 18 Red Sox-Yankees games lasted three hours or longer, seven of the 18 were 3½ hours or longer and two of the 17 took more than four hours to play.
Just one lasted fewer than three hours -- barely. New York's 8-3 win on May 23 checked in at 2:59.
Informative, nice work. Thanks. That’s a lot of info that is mildly interesting.
Zzzzz. ...
Ahahahaha….you “fell asleep”. Hi-larious.
Geez, no wonder Daisuke Matsuzaka (14-12, 4.41 ERA) hasn't been all that for the Red Sox this year. The guy threw 120 pitches on Friday and it only got him through 5 2/3 innings. Last laugh is on him regarding that supposedly luxurious six-year, $52 million contract. It works out to about 12 cents an hour in Yankees games.
The games are so long that…$8.5+ million/year = 12 cents….per hour…pretty funny! That’s funny because Daisuke makes a lot of money so the games must be real long for his hourly rate to be so diluted!
Not a good joke, but whatever we can’t all be as funny as Gene Wojciechowski (myself definitely included). The problem is that it doesn’t end there.
On Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima's recent struggles:
Perhaps the "Okey-Dokey" wouldn't be fading in Fenway if the Red Sox and Yankees didn't play at hokey-pokey pace.
Please.
Stop.
The Yankees and Red Sox may have the game's two highest payrolls, but they continue to play like a couple of persnickety art collectors.
Wow, just wow. Because they are really detailed? I don’t get it.
Not that Friday night's game took forever, but after watching the first inning on television, I mowed my grass twice, washed my fleet of cars, shot a round of golf, cooked a six-course dinner ... and still caught the last three innings.
Right. Long. Gotcha.
On the prospect of another Yankees – Red Sox ALCS:
This happens again, then Fox should ask for 3 p.m. start times -- so that innings 6 through 9 can be played in prime time, rather than at 2 a.m. No-Doz can sponsor.
So, in this case, you could have thrown any one of those jokes in there and it merely would have been a bad joke following some informative data on game lengths. You have to just use your best joke and end it. I’ll use an example to show what I mean:
Me: Stu, did you see the Red Sox game last night.
Stuart Scott: A little, I was sort of half watching it.
Me: Oh right, because of your lazy eye. Well it was so long I think Roger Clemens retired in the 3rd and unretired in the 8th.
Stuart Scott: What did you say?
Me: It was so long I’m pretty sure I could have driven to Fenway from the Bronx in the fourth and made it by the 7th inning stretch.
Stuart Scott: About MY EYE?
Me: It was so long that Tim Wakefield changed his name to Tim Sleepfield and Philip Hughes to Philip SNOOZE!
Me: It was so long that I mowed my grass twice, washed my fleet of cars, shot a round of golf, cooked a six course dinner…and still caught the last three innings.
See how that got progressively worse? Don’t do that. One joke and end it.
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