Saturday, October 13, 2007

Scott Miller Is Still Working on His Material

Scott Miller at CBS sportsline is still pounding away the jokes. You may remember this post, where I implored him to be a little bit more economical with is material, because it’s repetitive and sucky. No dice. Let’s take a look at some of his review of the ALCS game 1 from Friday night.

How about next time C.C. Sabathia simply hands over his lunch money to Manny Ramirez before the trouble starts?

Manny Ramirez owns C.C. Sabathia, as the numbers show (Miller give us these numbers, Ramirez is hitting .609 lifetime against Sabathia).

What happened after school at the bus stop between the neighborhood bully and the neighborhood shrimp was civil in comparison.

Got it. As John Kerry would say, Manny Ortiz has been dominating.

And oh, while he's at it, Sabathia might want to just present David Ortiz with the keys to his Hummer, or whatever ride he's cruising around in now.

Is everyone on board with Scott’s line of humor now? Don't worry, he'll drive this home for you more than Ramirez and Ortiz crossed home last night! Ding!

Probably, genuflecting in front of the both of them is out of the question. But it sure merits consideration.

Fuck you.

I think before game 2, Fausto Carmona should just blow Manny Ramirez!

Okay that was mine.

Here we were at the much-anticipated pitching showdown between two of the top American League Cy Young candidates in Game 1 here Friday night, and a Josh Beckett hoedown broke out. Or mow down. As Beckett soared, Sabathia was gored.

Somewhere in Los Angeles, Bill Plaschke just wiped a single tear off his cheek while he read this. “Such poetry!” he proclaimed. Then he chastised Miller for having three sentences in a paragraph. One and done, that’s his motto.

Or before Manny and Big Papi swipe their wallets and wedding rings, too.

Is everyone up to speed? Manny and Big Papi are hitting real good. We have numbers to support this, but that’s not enough color, right? So we need Scott Miller, in the same column, saying that the Indians/Sabathia should just hand over lunch money, keys to a Hummer, wallets and wedding rings, then bow in admiration. Can’t numbers just say this much more effectively.

Actually, let’s look at the numbers. No jokes here, but the numbers are insane, so I had to leave them in there.

And the two of them together? This postseason, Ortiz has reached base in 16 of 18 plate appearances, and Ramirez has reached in 13 of 18 plate appearances.

Together, they've reached in 29 of 36 plate appearances, going 12-for-19 (.805 on-base percentage) with 16 walks, one hit batter (Ortiz) and 12 runs scored. It's ludicrous.

Those numbers are ludicrous, and they speak for themselves.

"I've never seen anything like it," Boston third baseman Mike Lowell said.

"That's kind of extreme," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said.

"Would you like some fries with all those shakes?" said the Indians.

Yes, those three quotes appear in order. I’ve read this joke like 50 times and I can’t figure out what it means.


larry b said...

Scott Miller and Bill Plaschke have never been seen in the same place at the same time together... coincidence?

Also, I think the shakes/fries thing is a reference to the fact that Eric Wedge used to work at McDonalds.

OK, I made that up.

John Foley said...

I think it's a reference to guys getting handshakes when they cross the plate.
But who knows? I'm not a professional writer.