Scoop Jackson and Whatnot

Scoop Jackson wrote about what a swell year 1998 was for Sports. The column included this paragraph:

Now think of the effect of that shot. That last one of Michael Jordan's true career, the end of the Bulls Era. (Note: The previous game -- the flu/food poison game -- is still considered by many as Jordan's greatest performance.)

Now think of how you, Scoop, Mr. NBA writer...former editor of Slam Magazine (I think)....didn't know the Flu game was game 5 of the '97 Finals, not '98. Seems minor, but any NBA writer would remember that the flu game was in Utah, as was game 6 of '98. So even if it's a typo on the year, he should have realized that they don't play game 5 and 6 in the same arena....in any round of the playoffs.

I've been working like 70 hours a week and neglecting my fantasy team, so I click a link on the yahoo page to check out some solid fantasy advice from Brad Evans.

Shrouded by Randy Johnson's hillbilly-sexy mullet, Eric Byrnes'medical record stacks and discarded tissues shed over Chris Snyder's originally-diagnosed-fractured-but-was-technically-bruised testicle is an underappreciated Snake that has slithered in the desert.

The pitcher poisonous reptile is Chad Tracy.

Brad Evans...you are trying way to hard. Like....10 x's too hard. You have an easy, bullshit job. Just tell me who to pick up.

Over the past three weeks, the corner infielder's swing has sizzled like the sweltering sun in the Sonoran sky.

Can't you just say: Pick up Chad Tracy, and then give me some stats? No? That's not "bringing the noise, yo", like only a 30 year old whiteboy can?

During that span he's hit safely in 13 of 17 games, hammering out 22 hits in 58 at-bats (.379 BA). His 14 RBIs, eight runs and eight extra-base hits in that stretch are equally impressive.

Hey! That's helpful.

Let's see what he has to say about Melvin Mora:

Mora has rampaged through opposing pitchers with Cal Ripken flair since the break. Injected with cortisone, and presumably the Iron Man's DNA, earlier this month.....

Injected with the "Iron Man's DNA" sounds kind of gay.

Hey, a Non-Sports Related Post!

So I stumbled on this random bit on Yahoo “Buzz!” about certain celebrities “real” names. The list included the top 20 searches for real names over the last past week.

Let’s see if you can spot the one that makes no fucking sense.

1. Tiger Woods (Eldrick Woods)
2. Madonna (Madonna Ciccone)
3. Lil' Wayne (Dwayne Carter Jr.)
4. Miley Cyrus (Destiny Hope Cyrus)
5. Coco Crisp (Covelli Crisp)
6. Hilary Banks (played by Karyn Parsons)
7. Gene Simmons (Chaim Witz)
8. Hulk Hogan (Terry Bollea)
9. Larry the Cable Guy (Daniel Lawrence Whitney)
10. Ray Stevens (Harold Ray Ragsdale)
11. Bow Wow (Shad Gregory Moss)
12. Soulja Boy (DeAndre Ramone Way)
13. Triple H (Paul Michael Levesque)
14. Bono (Paul Hewson)
15. Sting (Gordon Sumner)
16. Jay-Z (Shawn Carter)
17. Tila Tequila (Tila Nguyen)
18. Marilyn Manson (Brian Warner)
19. John Wayne (Marion Morrison)
20. Prince (Prince Rogers Nelson)

If you said “6”, congratulations, you’re correct. Let’s run down why this is retarded.

1. Hilary Banks isn’t a “stage name” or nickname, as all the other names are – it’s the name of a character on a mildly successful TV show (The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air).
2. The last new episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air aired in 1996.
She wasn’t even the main character?!?!?
3. After her stint on Fresh Prince, she was in exactly 1 movie (The Ladies Man) and did 1-2 episodes of a few TV shows, the last being in 2002 (Static Shock was the show).
4. More searched than “Bono”??!??!?!??!

Maybe this is why Yahoo is getting its ass kicked by Google; its search data is crap. Other than Yahoo being fucked up, my guess is that Karyn Parsons has a stalker who looks her up online non-stop but can only remember her as “Hilary Banks”.

Brad Evans: Punsmith Extraordinaire

Brad Evans is back with some head scratching pop-culture references and puns. Just a short summary.

Jason Bartlett:

Lowdown: Nah, na na na nah! Bartlett is the hot stepper.

Woah woah woah woah woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. Woah. (sorry I was in Peter Griffin mode) Ini fucking Kamoze? What? That’s terrible. I spent 3 years trying to get that song out of my head. In fact I read this column a few days ago and I’ve had it in my head off and on since then. Reader of this blog, If you’ve never heard it or you forget it, just forget that you read this. Whatever you do, don’t go here. it will be in your head for months. You’re going there aren’t you? Well maybe it won’t stick for you, it was on MTV all the time in like 1994.

Zack Greinke:

Lowdown: If "preppie" Zack Greinke is ever given the ball in the ninth, he should enter games with this "Saved by the Bell" Zack Attack classic playing over the loudspeakers.

Unlike Barlett’s, this statement at least has something remotely to do with the players name. I would have given him extra points if we had Ms. Bliss worked in there, but this is still a pretty cool reference. Seriously, it’s a good reference that most people of a certain age will get and chuckle at. We need more of this, Brad Evans.

Nick Swisher

Lowdown: Swish, dude, have you seen my bong? Immersed in an abhorrent 23-105 (.219 BA) slump since June 1, Swisher has puffed 35 points off his season average.

Brad, dude, all the goodwill from Zack Greinke and you come with this? Unless Nick Swisher had a pot bust that I missed, this is just a retarded, unfunny statement.

Troy Glaus

Glaus' maddening boom-and-bust cycles makes him fantasy's version of irritable bowel syndrome.

I’m going to do what your editor did and just leave that alone. It’s not what he should have done though.

Rickie Weeks

"Nine ½" Weeks' batting average has tumbled faster than Mickey Rourke's career.

9 ½ weeks? Eh, that’s a little too Chris Berman for me. Meaning, it’s a little too obvious, and it sucks donkey balls.

Dan Haren:

Lowdown: Grab a sharpened razor and shave Haren – along with his Bruce Sutter beard– off your team.

Shave. Haren. Hair. En. I get it. Ha ha. Somewhat saved by the Bruce Sutter reference, but not completely.

But how about that Zack Attack reference folks!

Brad Evans Would Work a Dozen Puns into a Eulogy

Brad Evans, who ostensibly is a fantasy baseball analyst for yahoo fantasy sports, mostly just writes a somewhat painful to read column every week where he thinks he’s required to work everyone’s name into a strained pun and as many pop culture references as he can. Following is every player he profiles in detail this week (entire column is here) along with a sentence he felt the need to include about the player. To make it fun for both of us, I’ll take a guess at a few of the puns. Okay, to make it fun for me.

Scott Hatteberg:
My guess: The fact that he’s been doing the hit "Safely Dance” as often as he has lately has made fantasy Men without Hatteberg feel at a loss lately. Kind of a stretch huh? Just to warn, I'm a shitty punsmith. Let’s see what he came up with.

To his credit, “The Mad Hatter” has gone Wonder-wild slapping 13 hits in 34 at-bats.

Fuck, it was Alice in Wonderland. I did NOT see that coming.

Jonny Gomes:
My guess: Morticia Adams approves of Gomes hitting of late, even if “It” hasn’t been a “Thing” of beauty…but he did have people asking “You Rang?” after last week. Wow that’s pretty busy, plus I realize it’s not pronounced “Gomez”. But I don’t get paid for this.

The garden Gomes has finally crawled out of his subterranean cave.

I guess now I’m trying too hard.

Esteban German:
My guess: Something to do with Germany, perhaps?

Along with David Hasselhoff and the Milwaukee Brewers costumed Bratwurst, German would be huge in Deutschland – and huge for owners with a need for MI speed.

Yikes.

Mike Lamb:
My guess: I don’t know, maybe something about lamb?

Many NL-only leaguers sent Lamb to the butchers after a .233 BA in May, but the switch-hitting infielder has not fleeced those who remained loyal.

Two in a row!

Adam Wainwright:
My guess: Adam’s performance of late has been “wright” on target.

With a 2.89 June ERA, the price could be 'Wright for those owners vying for the Showcase Showdown.

What’s the Showcase Showdown tie-in to fantasy baseball? I’m confused. Oh, there isn’t one. Good to know.

Tim Lincecum:
My guess: Just that he sticks to Tim’s first name.

The Yahoo! fantasy office beefcake has suddenly taken on the appearance of a topless David Wells. Tiny Tim was beaten over the head with his own crutch for the fourth straight outing Tuesday night in Milwaukee….

The pun is in the second sentence but I couldn’t let that first sentence go. Why is it in there?

Brad Evans: It’s a joke
Me: …
Brad Evans: Because David Wells is fat.
Me: …
Brad Evans: ….and you don’t want to see a fat guy with his shirt off.
Me: Oh I get it, I get jokes.
Me: Um….ha ha ha?....
Me: fantasy office beefcake?

So Tim Lincecum was “fantasy hot”, now he’s “fantasy ugly”. I know his point is more obvious than I’m making it, but it’s still pretty painful to parse out, because it’s not funny and it serves no purpose.

Vernon Wells:
My guess: Something about a well?

Mired in a two-month drought, contaminated Wells is on the verge of purification.

This is too easy.

Michael Barrett:

The former North-Side ball-botcher will never garner a roster spot on my fantasy egg-tossing team.

Hey no pun! Just a “joke”.

Carlos Delgado

It's a good thing Paul Rudd's cynical character "Pete" in "Knocked Up" drafted Hideki Matsui and not Delgado.

Why is it a good thing he drafted Matsui? Am I supposed to know this? Are “Knocked Up” references going to be heavily in-play? See, me and 290 million or so other Americans haven’t seen that movie yet.

Further advice on Delgado: Offer up a pack of Twizzlers.

Oh thanks, that will work in my fantasy league with 7 year-olds. Seriously, I know you’re trying to be cute and all but can you give me a good sell high candidate to pick up Delgado with, not a fucking pack of Twizzlers?

Chris B. Young

As another Young (MC) would say, the Arizona centerfielder has failed to "Bust a Move" in June.

Other possibilities, off the top of my head – pick your favorite:

A. Chris B. Young, was a little Chris Kross’d in June, and his performance didn’t make fantasy owners want to “jump, jump”, except off a cliff, cliff.

B. In June, Chris B’s bat wasn’t “killer” enough to get him a spot on the 1987 WWF tag-team “The Killer B’s” with B. Brian Blair and "Jumpin" Jim Brunzell.

C. Young didn’t exactly “Warm it up, Chris” in June, so it’s yet to really be seen if he’s either about to, or even if it is what he was born to do.

D. Billy the Kidd, Chavez and the other “Young” Guns wouldn’t have wanted Chris’ June firepower in their cavalry.

E. Brad’s: As another Young (MC) would say, the Arizona centerfielder has failed to "Bust a Move" in June.

For the record I like a few pop culture references and I use them myself, with more subtlety I hope (the puns should go though). But I’ve only read him a couple times and he does this in almost every paragraph. He does provide a decent amount of analysis as well, and that seems pretty sound from what I can tell.