Brad Evans Would Work a Dozen Puns into a Eulogy

Brad Evans, who ostensibly is a fantasy baseball analyst for yahoo fantasy sports, mostly just writes a somewhat painful to read column every week where he thinks he’s required to work everyone’s name into a strained pun and as many pop culture references as he can. Following is every player he profiles in detail this week (entire column is here) along with a sentence he felt the need to include about the player. To make it fun for both of us, I’ll take a guess at a few of the puns. Okay, to make it fun for me.

Scott Hatteberg:
My guess: The fact that he’s been doing the hit "Safely Dance” as often as he has lately has made fantasy Men without Hatteberg feel at a loss lately. Kind of a stretch huh? Just to warn, I'm a shitty punsmith. Let’s see what he came up with.

To his credit, “The Mad Hatter” has gone Wonder-wild slapping 13 hits in 34 at-bats.

Fuck, it was Alice in Wonderland. I did NOT see that coming.

Jonny Gomes:
My guess: Morticia Adams approves of Gomes hitting of late, even if “It” hasn’t been a “Thing” of beauty…but he did have people asking “You Rang?” after last week. Wow that’s pretty busy, plus I realize it’s not pronounced “Gomez”. But I don’t get paid for this.

The garden Gomes has finally crawled out of his subterranean cave.

I guess now I’m trying too hard.

Esteban German:
My guess: Something to do with Germany, perhaps?

Along with David Hasselhoff and the Milwaukee Brewers costumed Bratwurst, German would be huge in Deutschland – and huge for owners with a need for MI speed.

Yikes.

Mike Lamb:
My guess: I don’t know, maybe something about lamb?

Many NL-only leaguers sent Lamb to the butchers after a .233 BA in May, but the switch-hitting infielder has not fleeced those who remained loyal.

Two in a row!

Adam Wainwright:
My guess: Adam’s performance of late has been “wright” on target.

With a 2.89 June ERA, the price could be 'Wright for those owners vying for the Showcase Showdown.

What’s the Showcase Showdown tie-in to fantasy baseball? I’m confused. Oh, there isn’t one. Good to know.

Tim Lincecum:
My guess: Just that he sticks to Tim’s first name.

The Yahoo! fantasy office beefcake has suddenly taken on the appearance of a topless David Wells. Tiny Tim was beaten over the head with his own crutch for the fourth straight outing Tuesday night in Milwaukee….

The pun is in the second sentence but I couldn’t let that first sentence go. Why is it in there?

Brad Evans: It’s a joke
Me: …
Brad Evans: Because David Wells is fat.
Me: …
Brad Evans: ….and you don’t want to see a fat guy with his shirt off.
Me: Oh I get it, I get jokes.
Me: Um….ha ha ha?....
Me: fantasy office beefcake?

So Tim Lincecum was “fantasy hot”, now he’s “fantasy ugly”. I know his point is more obvious than I’m making it, but it’s still pretty painful to parse out, because it’s not funny and it serves no purpose.

Vernon Wells:
My guess: Something about a well?

Mired in a two-month drought, contaminated Wells is on the verge of purification.

This is too easy.

Michael Barrett:

The former North-Side ball-botcher will never garner a roster spot on my fantasy egg-tossing team.

Hey no pun! Just a “joke”.

Carlos Delgado

It's a good thing Paul Rudd's cynical character "Pete" in "Knocked Up" drafted Hideki Matsui and not Delgado.

Why is it a good thing he drafted Matsui? Am I supposed to know this? Are “Knocked Up” references going to be heavily in-play? See, me and 290 million or so other Americans haven’t seen that movie yet.

Further advice on Delgado: Offer up a pack of Twizzlers.

Oh thanks, that will work in my fantasy league with 7 year-olds. Seriously, I know you’re trying to be cute and all but can you give me a good sell high candidate to pick up Delgado with, not a fucking pack of Twizzlers?

Chris B. Young

As another Young (MC) would say, the Arizona centerfielder has failed to "Bust a Move" in June.

Other possibilities, off the top of my head – pick your favorite:

A. Chris B. Young, was a little Chris Kross’d in June, and his performance didn’t make fantasy owners want to “jump, jump”, except off a cliff, cliff.

B. In June, Chris B’s bat wasn’t “killer” enough to get him a spot on the 1987 WWF tag-team “The Killer B’s” with B. Brian Blair and "Jumpin" Jim Brunzell.

C. Young didn’t exactly “Warm it up, Chris” in June, so it’s yet to really be seen if he’s either about to, or even if it is what he was born to do.

D. Billy the Kidd, Chavez and the other “Young” Guns wouldn’t have wanted Chris’ June firepower in their cavalry.

E. Brad’s: As another Young (MC) would say, the Arizona centerfielder has failed to "Bust a Move" in June.

For the record I like a few pop culture references and I use them myself, with more subtlety I hope (the puns should go though). But I’ve only read him a couple times and he does this in almost every paragraph. He does provide a decent amount of analysis as well, and that seems pretty sound from what I can tell.