Okay okay I’m about to finish my paragraph supporting Albert Pujols for MVP. I needs to hammer this baby home with that final sentence that summarizes exactly how MVP-like Pujols was this year. Should I drag out numbers? No, numbers don’t tell the story. Perhaps recall an at-bat, or a play? Too singular. Lots of people have great plays. I’ve got it, a quote! Yes, a quote from a highly respected baseball man! A broadcaster or writer? A current player like Greg Maddux? A former player? A hall of famer like Nolan Ryan or something? I’ve got it, a GM! People are really intrigued by GMs!
Hey, Kevin Towers, tell me what you think of Albert Pujols!
"Pujols is a frickin' baseball player," Padres general manager Kevin Towers says.
Frickin’? Is he trying to be Dr. Evil? Oh well. Almost done.
Amen.
Done.
Showing posts with label Scott Miller. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Scott Miller. Show all posts
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Deadline Time…Errr A-Rod Sucks!
What kind of a jerk of a free agent in baseball opts out of his contract as he is contractually able to do and is friends with Warren Buffett? Give up? It’s Alex Rodrasshole, that’s who. Scott Miller is here to call him out on it!*
*with jokes!
Phew, good thing newly minted American League Most Valuable Player Alex Rodriguez was advised by Warren Buffett, not singer Jimmy Buffett, in closing his spanking new 10-year, $275 million deal with the Yankees.
I get it. They have the same last name, but vastly different vocations!
Now officially armed with a third AL MVP award and another record-setting contract (soon as the ink dries), our favorite opt-out action hero has enough dough to buy pretty much all of South Florida, not just his hometown of Miami.
He could try from now until he wins a World Series ring to squander these riches. It ain't happening. But oh, if only money could purchase a World Series ring. ...
Oh my god you’re right – he’s never made a World Series. I haven’t heard that before. He’s the highest paid player in baseball but has been unable to personally deliver his team a championship. Is any writer for a mainstream site, anywhere, at all original?
He does have a pirate's plunder worth of image rehabbing to do, though he's not quite there yet. A-Rod made it quite clear in a conference call Monday that he only wanted to talk about the 2007 season, and while he knows that "everything that's been going on since the end of the season has been news" he prefers not to delve into other subjects until later, reminding that "the finish line is in sight."
I have a hard time seeing what is wrong with that. But, of course, I don’t have a deadline to meet to write strained and pointless column.
Presumably, he'll open up after the i's are dotted and the t's crossed in his new Yankees deal, and it sounds as if he's preparing for a formal news conference in the Bronx sometime next week. It may be the first news conference that requires attendance from Mr. Opt Out, the Sons of Steinbrenner, the New York Times, Warren Buffett and Dr. Phil. Yikes.
Yikes is right. So far this column has been widely known information and terrible anecdotes.
(2 paragraphs deleted - nothing new)
Seriously, though ... have we reached a point in the Grand Old Game where Warren Buffett plays Henry Kissinger in the peace talks? Commissioner Bud Selig must not be kidding when he speaks of the game's record-setting $6 billion in revenues in '07. It's like those old E.F. Hutton commercials -- even Warren Buffett pays attention.
A lot of Warren Buffett references, right? Yeah, he's not close to being done. Why is it to A-Rod’s discredit that he is friends with Warren Buffett, who is by most accounts a smart, generous, ethical businessman? Can this guy do anything right? Other than hit baseballs of course, which is the only thing we should care about.
"Warren and I have a wonderful relationship," Rodriguez said. "I can expand on that when all of this is done and finished."
Asshole. Scott Miller wants to know now.
But it is true the ol' financial mogul said late last summer he knew A-Rod was going to have a slam-bang season based on a conversation between the two early in the year.
"I don't know," Rodriguez said. "We usually visit every year. Warren and I are friends. He maybe saw the passion in my eyes. You've got to ask Warren. He's very reachable in Omaha.
"He's good at foreseeing things in business, and now he's doing it in baseball, too. That's pretty good."
Lord, this does get more twisted with every turn. There are more angles to this guy than in a geometry classroom.
What? What is confusing about this? Or twisted? Or at all worthy of being made fun of? I seriously think Scott just hit a deadline and had nothing to write about. He’s barely adding anything here. His formula is Quote + Pop culture reference + A-Rod insult = Gold.
The latest, most up-to-date field guide on the new AL MVP:
He then goes on to tell us each of the media’s terrible nicknames for Rodriguez and their origins. Yes, it’s as interesting as it sounds. I’ll just show you the nicknames and cut all the bullshit out. You can seriously surmise everything that Scott said just by reading the names, because he added no value.
A-Rod
Pay-Rod
Stray-Rod
E-Rod
A-Fraud
K-Rod: Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez. The term "K-Rod" actually has nothing to do with "A-Rod."
Soooo, is that a joke? Was I supposed to laugh there? It is as relevant as all this other bullshit you’re throwing in here anyway.
Nim-Rod
The Cooler
LA-Rod
Stay-Rod
Listening to his dreamy descriptions, he felt, we can be sure, almost like a Cheeseburger in Paradise. Had he been on the receiving end of tips from Jimmy Buffett instead of Warren, of course.
Column ends there. Some problems with this reference/joke:
1. How do you feel like a Cheeseburger?
2. If you feel like a Cheeseburger, how do you have ears to listen with?
3. You already used the Jimmy/Warren Buffett “angle”.
4. It doesn’t make any sense.
5. It is not funny.
*with jokes!
Phew, good thing newly minted American League Most Valuable Player Alex Rodriguez was advised by Warren Buffett, not singer Jimmy Buffett, in closing his spanking new 10-year, $275 million deal with the Yankees.
I get it. They have the same last name, but vastly different vocations!
Now officially armed with a third AL MVP award and another record-setting contract (soon as the ink dries), our favorite opt-out action hero has enough dough to buy pretty much all of South Florida, not just his hometown of Miami.
He could try from now until he wins a World Series ring to squander these riches. It ain't happening. But oh, if only money could purchase a World Series ring. ...
Oh my god you’re right – he’s never made a World Series. I haven’t heard that before. He’s the highest paid player in baseball but has been unable to personally deliver his team a championship. Is any writer for a mainstream site, anywhere, at all original?
He does have a pirate's plunder worth of image rehabbing to do, though he's not quite there yet. A-Rod made it quite clear in a conference call Monday that he only wanted to talk about the 2007 season, and while he knows that "everything that's been going on since the end of the season has been news" he prefers not to delve into other subjects until later, reminding that "the finish line is in sight."
I have a hard time seeing what is wrong with that. But, of course, I don’t have a deadline to meet to write strained and pointless column.
Presumably, he'll open up after the i's are dotted and the t's crossed in his new Yankees deal, and it sounds as if he's preparing for a formal news conference in the Bronx sometime next week. It may be the first news conference that requires attendance from Mr. Opt Out, the Sons of Steinbrenner, the New York Times, Warren Buffett and Dr. Phil. Yikes.
Yikes is right. So far this column has been widely known information and terrible anecdotes.
(2 paragraphs deleted - nothing new)
Seriously, though ... have we reached a point in the Grand Old Game where Warren Buffett plays Henry Kissinger in the peace talks? Commissioner Bud Selig must not be kidding when he speaks of the game's record-setting $6 billion in revenues in '07. It's like those old E.F. Hutton commercials -- even Warren Buffett pays attention.
A lot of Warren Buffett references, right? Yeah, he's not close to being done. Why is it to A-Rod’s discredit that he is friends with Warren Buffett, who is by most accounts a smart, generous, ethical businessman? Can this guy do anything right? Other than hit baseballs of course, which is the only thing we should care about.
"Warren and I have a wonderful relationship," Rodriguez said. "I can expand on that when all of this is done and finished."
Asshole. Scott Miller wants to know now.
But it is true the ol' financial mogul said late last summer he knew A-Rod was going to have a slam-bang season based on a conversation between the two early in the year.
"I don't know," Rodriguez said. "We usually visit every year. Warren and I are friends. He maybe saw the passion in my eyes. You've got to ask Warren. He's very reachable in Omaha.
"He's good at foreseeing things in business, and now he's doing it in baseball, too. That's pretty good."
Lord, this does get more twisted with every turn. There are more angles to this guy than in a geometry classroom.
What? What is confusing about this? Or twisted? Or at all worthy of being made fun of? I seriously think Scott just hit a deadline and had nothing to write about. He’s barely adding anything here. His formula is Quote + Pop culture reference + A-Rod insult = Gold.
The latest, most up-to-date field guide on the new AL MVP:
He then goes on to tell us each of the media’s terrible nicknames for Rodriguez and their origins. Yes, it’s as interesting as it sounds. I’ll just show you the nicknames and cut all the bullshit out. You can seriously surmise everything that Scott said just by reading the names, because he added no value.
A-Rod
Pay-Rod
Stray-Rod
E-Rod
A-Fraud
K-Rod: Angels closer Francisco Rodriguez. The term "K-Rod" actually has nothing to do with "A-Rod."
Soooo, is that a joke? Was I supposed to laugh there? It is as relevant as all this other bullshit you’re throwing in here anyway.
Nim-Rod
The Cooler
LA-Rod
Stay-Rod
Listening to his dreamy descriptions, he felt, we can be sure, almost like a Cheeseburger in Paradise. Had he been on the receiving end of tips from Jimmy Buffett instead of Warren, of course.
Column ends there. Some problems with this reference/joke:
1. How do you feel like a Cheeseburger?
2. If you feel like a Cheeseburger, how do you have ears to listen with?
3. You already used the Jimmy/Warren Buffett “angle”.
4. It doesn’t make any sense.
5. It is not funny.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
Scott Miller Is Still Working on His Material
Scott Miller at CBS sportsline is still pounding away the jokes. You may remember this post, where I implored him to be a little bit more economical with is material, because it’s repetitive and sucky. No dice. Let’s take a look at some of his review of the ALCS game 1 from Friday night.
How about next time C.C. Sabathia simply hands over his lunch money to Manny Ramirez before the trouble starts?
Manny Ramirez owns C.C. Sabathia, as the numbers show (Miller give us these numbers, Ramirez is hitting .609 lifetime against Sabathia).
What happened after school at the bus stop between the neighborhood bully and the neighborhood shrimp was civil in comparison.
Got it. As John Kerry would say, Manny Ortiz has been dominating.
And oh, while he's at it, Sabathia might want to just present David Ortiz with the keys to his Hummer, or whatever ride he's cruising around in now.
Is everyone on board with Scott’s line of humor now? Don't worry, he'll drive this home for you more than Ramirez and Ortiz crossed home last night! Ding!
Probably, genuflecting in front of the both of them is out of the question. But it sure merits consideration.
Fuck you.
I think before game 2, Fausto Carmona should just blow Manny Ramirez!
Okay that was mine.
Here we were at the much-anticipated pitching showdown between two of the top American League Cy Young candidates in Game 1 here Friday night, and a Josh Beckett hoedown broke out. Or mow down. As Beckett soared, Sabathia was gored.
Somewhere in Los Angeles, Bill Plaschke just wiped a single tear off his cheek while he read this. “Such poetry!” he proclaimed. Then he chastised Miller for having three sentences in a paragraph. One and done, that’s his motto.
Or before Manny and Big Papi swipe their wallets and wedding rings, too.
Is everyone up to speed? Manny and Big Papi are hitting real good. We have numbers to support this, but that’s not enough color, right? So we need Scott Miller, in the same column, saying that the Indians/Sabathia should just hand over lunch money, keys to a Hummer, wallets and wedding rings, then bow in admiration. Can’t numbers just say this much more effectively.
Actually, let’s look at the numbers. No jokes here, but the numbers are insane, so I had to leave them in there.
And the two of them together? This postseason, Ortiz has reached base in 16 of 18 plate appearances, and Ramirez has reached in 13 of 18 plate appearances.
Together, they've reached in 29 of 36 plate appearances, going 12-for-19 (.805 on-base percentage) with 16 walks, one hit batter (Ortiz) and 12 runs scored. It's ludicrous.
Those numbers are ludicrous, and they speak for themselves.
"I've never seen anything like it," Boston third baseman Mike Lowell said.
"That's kind of extreme," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said.
"Would you like some fries with all those shakes?" said the Indians.
Yes, those three quotes appear in order. I’ve read this joke like 50 times and I can’t figure out what it means.
How about next time C.C. Sabathia simply hands over his lunch money to Manny Ramirez before the trouble starts?
Manny Ramirez owns C.C. Sabathia, as the numbers show (Miller give us these numbers, Ramirez is hitting .609 lifetime against Sabathia).
What happened after school at the bus stop between the neighborhood bully and the neighborhood shrimp was civil in comparison.
Got it. As John Kerry would say, Manny Ortiz has been dominating.
And oh, while he's at it, Sabathia might want to just present David Ortiz with the keys to his Hummer, or whatever ride he's cruising around in now.
Is everyone on board with Scott’s line of humor now? Don't worry, he'll drive this home for you more than Ramirez and Ortiz crossed home last night! Ding!
Probably, genuflecting in front of the both of them is out of the question. But it sure merits consideration.
Fuck you.
I think before game 2, Fausto Carmona should just blow Manny Ramirez!
Okay that was mine.
Here we were at the much-anticipated pitching showdown between two of the top American League Cy Young candidates in Game 1 here Friday night, and a Josh Beckett hoedown broke out. Or mow down. As Beckett soared, Sabathia was gored.
Somewhere in Los Angeles, Bill Plaschke just wiped a single tear off his cheek while he read this. “Such poetry!” he proclaimed. Then he chastised Miller for having three sentences in a paragraph. One and done, that’s his motto.
Or before Manny and Big Papi swipe their wallets and wedding rings, too.
Is everyone up to speed? Manny and Big Papi are hitting real good. We have numbers to support this, but that’s not enough color, right? So we need Scott Miller, in the same column, saying that the Indians/Sabathia should just hand over lunch money, keys to a Hummer, wallets and wedding rings, then bow in admiration. Can’t numbers just say this much more effectively.
Actually, let’s look at the numbers. No jokes here, but the numbers are insane, so I had to leave them in there.
And the two of them together? This postseason, Ortiz has reached base in 16 of 18 plate appearances, and Ramirez has reached in 13 of 18 plate appearances.
Together, they've reached in 29 of 36 plate appearances, going 12-for-19 (.805 on-base percentage) with 16 walks, one hit batter (Ortiz) and 12 runs scored. It's ludicrous.
Those numbers are ludicrous, and they speak for themselves.
"I've never seen anything like it," Boston third baseman Mike Lowell said.
"That's kind of extreme," Red Sox manager Terry Francona said.
"Would you like some fries with all those shakes?" said the Indians.
Yes, those three quotes appear in order. I’ve read this joke like 50 times and I can’t figure out what it means.
Friday, September 21, 2007
Red Sox – Yankees Games Are So Long…..
You: How long are they?
Scott Miller: So long I wrote over 850 words about it with a ton of jokes!
The Red Sox and Yankees play long games. There, that was easy. A little boring, yes, but easy. But the problem is that I’m not funny, so that wasn’t entertaining. Scott Miller at CBS Sportsline.com, now that guy is funny. Don’t believe me? Well read here how he tells you that the Red Sox and Yankees play long games. This is probably not safe for work or if you’re eating, because you’re riotous laughter will probably get you fired, or you may just choke to death (see, i'm not funny).
Weekend Buzz: You can catch Z's in ALCS if Yankees, Sox meet
Some excerpts:
Except, when they get together with the Yankees, "steaming" isn't quite the correct verb. "Plodding", maybe. "Walking." "Lollygagging."
So…the games are long. Okay.
During their 18-game series this summer, the average time of a Yankees-Red Sox game was 3 hours and 35 minutes. The average nine-inning AL game lasted 2:54.
A grand total of 17 of the 18 Red Sox-Yankees games lasted three hours or longer, seven of the 18 were 3½ hours or longer and two of the 17 took more than four hours to play.
Just one lasted fewer than three hours -- barely. New York's 8-3 win on May 23 checked in at 2:59.
Informative, nice work. Thanks. That’s a lot of info that is mildly interesting.
Zzzzz. ...
Ahahahaha….you “fell asleep”. Hi-larious.
Geez, no wonder Daisuke Matsuzaka (14-12, 4.41 ERA) hasn't been all that for the Red Sox this year. The guy threw 120 pitches on Friday and it only got him through 5 2/3 innings. Last laugh is on him regarding that supposedly luxurious six-year, $52 million contract. It works out to about 12 cents an hour in Yankees games.
The games are so long that…$8.5+ million/year = 12 cents….per hour…pretty funny! That’s funny because Daisuke makes a lot of money so the games must be real long for his hourly rate to be so diluted!
Not a good joke, but whatever we can’t all be as funny as Gene Wojciechowski (myself definitely included). The problem is that it doesn’t end there.
On Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima's recent struggles:
Perhaps the "Okey-Dokey" wouldn't be fading in Fenway if the Red Sox and Yankees didn't play at hokey-pokey pace.
Please.
Stop.
The Yankees and Red Sox may have the game's two highest payrolls, but they continue to play like a couple of persnickety art collectors.
Wow, just wow. Because they are really detailed? I don’t get it.
Not that Friday night's game took forever, but after watching the first inning on television, I mowed my grass twice, washed my fleet of cars, shot a round of golf, cooked a six-course dinner ... and still caught the last three innings.
Right. Long. Gotcha.
On the prospect of another Yankees – Red Sox ALCS:
This happens again, then Fox should ask for 3 p.m. start times -- so that innings 6 through 9 can be played in prime time, rather than at 2 a.m. No-Doz can sponsor.
So, in this case, you could have thrown any one of those jokes in there and it merely would have been a bad joke following some informative data on game lengths. You have to just use your best joke and end it. I’ll use an example to show what I mean:
Me: Stu, did you see the Red Sox game last night.
Stuart Scott: A little, I was sort of half watching it.
Me: Oh right, because of your lazy eye. Well it was so long I think Roger Clemens retired in the 3rd and unretired in the 8th.
Stuart Scott: What did you say?
Me: It was so long I’m pretty sure I could have driven to Fenway from the Bronx in the fourth and made it by the 7th inning stretch.
Stuart Scott: About MY EYE?
Me: It was so long that Tim Wakefield changed his name to Tim Sleepfield and Philip Hughes to Philip SNOOZE!
Me: It was so long that I mowed my grass twice, washed my fleet of cars, shot a round of golf, cooked a six course dinner…and still caught the last three innings.
See how that got progressively worse? Don’t do that. One joke and end it.
Scott Miller: So long I wrote over 850 words about it with a ton of jokes!
The Red Sox and Yankees play long games. There, that was easy. A little boring, yes, but easy. But the problem is that I’m not funny, so that wasn’t entertaining. Scott Miller at CBS Sportsline.com, now that guy is funny. Don’t believe me? Well read here how he tells you that the Red Sox and Yankees play long games. This is probably not safe for work or if you’re eating, because you’re riotous laughter will probably get you fired, or you may just choke to death (see, i'm not funny).
Weekend Buzz: You can catch Z's in ALCS if Yankees, Sox meet
Some excerpts:
Except, when they get together with the Yankees, "steaming" isn't quite the correct verb. "Plodding", maybe. "Walking." "Lollygagging."
So…the games are long. Okay.
During their 18-game series this summer, the average time of a Yankees-Red Sox game was 3 hours and 35 minutes. The average nine-inning AL game lasted 2:54.
A grand total of 17 of the 18 Red Sox-Yankees games lasted three hours or longer, seven of the 18 were 3½ hours or longer and two of the 17 took more than four hours to play.
Just one lasted fewer than three hours -- barely. New York's 8-3 win on May 23 checked in at 2:59.
Informative, nice work. Thanks. That’s a lot of info that is mildly interesting.
Zzzzz. ...
Ahahahaha….you “fell asleep”. Hi-larious.
Geez, no wonder Daisuke Matsuzaka (14-12, 4.41 ERA) hasn't been all that for the Red Sox this year. The guy threw 120 pitches on Friday and it only got him through 5 2/3 innings. Last laugh is on him regarding that supposedly luxurious six-year, $52 million contract. It works out to about 12 cents an hour in Yankees games.
The games are so long that…$8.5+ million/year = 12 cents….per hour…pretty funny! That’s funny because Daisuke makes a lot of money so the games must be real long for his hourly rate to be so diluted!
Not a good joke, but whatever we can’t all be as funny as Gene Wojciechowski (myself definitely included). The problem is that it doesn’t end there.
On Red Sox reliever Hideki Okajima's recent struggles:
Perhaps the "Okey-Dokey" wouldn't be fading in Fenway if the Red Sox and Yankees didn't play at hokey-pokey pace.
Please.
Stop.
The Yankees and Red Sox may have the game's two highest payrolls, but they continue to play like a couple of persnickety art collectors.
Wow, just wow. Because they are really detailed? I don’t get it.
Not that Friday night's game took forever, but after watching the first inning on television, I mowed my grass twice, washed my fleet of cars, shot a round of golf, cooked a six-course dinner ... and still caught the last three innings.
Right. Long. Gotcha.
On the prospect of another Yankees – Red Sox ALCS:
This happens again, then Fox should ask for 3 p.m. start times -- so that innings 6 through 9 can be played in prime time, rather than at 2 a.m. No-Doz can sponsor.
So, in this case, you could have thrown any one of those jokes in there and it merely would have been a bad joke following some informative data on game lengths. You have to just use your best joke and end it. I’ll use an example to show what I mean:
Me: Stu, did you see the Red Sox game last night.
Stuart Scott: A little, I was sort of half watching it.
Me: Oh right, because of your lazy eye. Well it was so long I think Roger Clemens retired in the 3rd and unretired in the 8th.
Stuart Scott: What did you say?
Me: It was so long I’m pretty sure I could have driven to Fenway from the Bronx in the fourth and made it by the 7th inning stretch.
Stuart Scott: About MY EYE?
Me: It was so long that Tim Wakefield changed his name to Tim Sleepfield and Philip Hughes to Philip SNOOZE!
Me: It was so long that I mowed my grass twice, washed my fleet of cars, shot a round of golf, cooked a six course dinner…and still caught the last three innings.
See how that got progressively worse? Don’t do that. One joke and end it.
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