Thursday, January 31, 2008

Scoop Jackson Writes Jokes: I Read Them Literally

This Sunday, the Patriots and the Giants are playing in the Super Bowl. Yes. Sunday. This Sunday. Scoop Jackson has done us all a favor and written a ton of joke-type phrases to explain what it will mean. I am unable to read these phrases and see why they are jokes and laugh at them. So let’s just read them literally to try to figure out why there may have been a joke there or something.

Going 19-0 will mean ...

... Tom Brady can make one Bill Clintonesque mistake and be unconditionally forgiven by everyone, including Gisele.

Going 19-0 means Tom Brady can fuck around on his girlfriend? Why would he need forgiveness from anyone BUT Gisele?

... Kyle Brady, after 13 seasons in the NFL, can go into bars and clubs and tell women his name is Tom and they won't notice the difference.

What? Why? Wouldn’t they notice the difference MORE….because Tom Brady will be MORE famous?

... Randy Moss can moon anyone he wants, run over anyone he wants in his car, leave any game he wants while time is still on the clock, smoke as much weed as he wants, never shave and argue with as many ex-girlfriends and baby mamas as he wants. And it'll be all good.

No he can’t, as the sports columnists will rip him for it. I guess 19-0 is so big that he can do drugs and it's okay? This is.....funny?

... All head coaches will be required to wear team-issued hoodies on game day.

Like Bill Belichick? Why would they be required to? What is the fucking joke? Is the joke just that he wears a hoodie??!?!?!??!?!

... People will finally realize that Vince Wilfork is one of the best defensive linemen in the NFL.

He made the Pro Bowl. Does that mean anything? No?

... The destroyed evidence of Spygate can never be written about or mentioned ever again in public.

Tell that the Gregg Easterbrook. That guy is still livid. It’s awesome.

... Bill Simmons has to write "Now I Can Die In Peace II."

This would be the Patriots’ fourth super bowl ring in seven years. I don’t think Bill Simmons’ ability to die in peace has anything to do with the outcome.

... That Bobby Brown, a native of Roxbury, Mass., can say anything he pleases and the world has to accept it.

Why? What does Bobby Brown have to do with anything? Because he’s from Massachusetts? No Mitt Romney joke? Ted Kennedy? Matt Damon even? Bobby Brown? Every little step I take….Everybody’s Humpin’ around?? That guy?

... Rodney Harrison's "That is the most ridiculous thing (I've) ever heard," comment made after the Week 6 win over the Cowboys, after being asked about going 19-0, is now the most ridiculous thing ever said.

No it’s not. The most ridiculous thing ever said was by Mr. Scoopward Jackson….about Lebron James. It inspired me to start this blog. It was:

“It means he might be He.”

So simple, yet so stupid.

... Junior Seau can grow some facial hair, let the gray show in his mustache and beard, and not even have to think about playin' himself by doing a commercial with Emmitt Smith, Walt Frazier and Keith Hernandez.

He can? Why? All those guys won championships. What’s going on?

... Owner Bob Kraft can walk into the next NFL owners' meeting and act like Marlo Stansfield does in the co-op meetings on "The Wire."

Hmm you get a pass here Jackson, because I’ve never seen the Wire.

... Kevin Faulk will no longer be called Marshall Faulk by mistake.

People sometimes call Kevin Faulk “Marshall”. Really?

Oh they don’t? They just have the same last names. So.....that's the joke?

... Raymond Ventrone, the undrafted Jets reject (the Jets released him in September) who sees action on special teams for the Patriots, will get supermodels' cell numbers and be seen doing TV spots in Brockton, Mass., for Absolute Car and Truck Center.

He will? Why? Because the Patriots won the Super Bowl? Which Supermodel? WHAT? Will they all have Supermodel girlfriends? Are there enough Supermodels in the world? What is Absolute Car and Truck Center and what does it have to do with….anything? Is that a joke?

... Players like left tackle Matt Light, left guard Logan Mankins and right guard Stephen Neal will become household names like Bruschi, Seau and Vrabel.

Household names where? North Andover, Massachusetts? Holla!

... That "RIP" cannot be placed on Mercury Morris' tombstone.

Hey! That was decent! Keep it up, man!

... Willie McGinest, Ty Law, Lawyer Milloy and Deion Branch were irrelevant.

Well one in a row isn’t bad.

Um… 2007? Yes. To past Super Bowls? What??

... Wes Welker doesn't have to be Tom Brady's wing man or alibi guy at this year's secret, off-the-island Pro Bowl parties.

So if they lose he has to be his alibi guy? Whatever that is? WHAT?

... Mike Vrabel can reapply back to Ohio State so the Buckeyes can finally win a BCS title.

He can? Isn’t that against the rules?

Oh it is? Okay. So this is just a joke? WHAT?

... Twenty years from now kicker Stephen Gostkowski can be relaxing at a game and asked to do an impromptu interview, and during the interview he can demand a kiss from the sideline reporter, get the kiss, and everyone will think it was cute and great television. And even though both will be married at the time, no one -- not even the spouses -- will be upset.

But no one will know who he is in 20 years. Wouldn’t his wife be mad? No? Because he was on the 2007 Patriots? Ha ha?????

... Asante Samuel and Laurence Maroney no longer have to hear Das EFX jokes.

Because they are hearing a lot of them now? Oh, they’re not? Can you post a "laughter and applause" sign in this column, I'm lost.

... The Ford Taurus that Rosevelt Colvin explained was sent to pick him up from the airport when the Pats signed him as a free agent will become standard issue for all NFL teams after trades and signings, replacing limos.

Because it helped the team play football better? Did I get that one right?

... Every NFL owner will use the fact that New England has a roster of superstars playing so far below their market value it's bordering on disrespectful (Randy Moss took a $6 million pay cut, Junior Seau is making only $1 million, Bruschi $1.7 million, etc.) as the new way to do business. Despite knowing there is no way this will ever happen again, it will not stop them from trying to use it to their financial advantage.

But most teams didn’t want Randy Moss or Junior Seau. So doesn't that make no sense?

... Charlie Weis is somewhere, saying, "I shoulda stayed."

Do you really think he cares? He’s making crazy money and has a 10 year contract.

... Belligerent, arrogant, cantankerous, indignant, asterisk-needing, egotistical, smug, vainglorious, narcissistic, corrupt, disingenuous, cunning, deceitful, and pompous all become adjectives of endearment.

Vainglorious? Did you punch this into or something?

... That silver might be added as America's fourth official color.

Like, on the flag? But wouldn’t it look stupid?

Oh, you're saying the Patriots are THAT good?! I get it, I think.

... That "check your egos at the door" no longer has meaning.

But isn’t that like, their motto or something? Wouldn’t it have MORE meaning?

... That Hef has to let Brady back into the mansion.

He’s not allowed in the mansion?

Oh, you made that up, to make up the antithesis and use it as a joke? Do I laugh now or wait for the next joke? What is going on?

... That dynasty finally has a one-season definition forever.

One-season definition? Forever? Finally?

So you’ve been waiting for the term dynasty to have a one-season definition, which is stupidly impossible?

I’ll let you know when Scoop answers my questions.

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