Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Gregg Easterbrook Decided to Write Another Column This Week

Seriously, here it is. This guy is relentless. Every week, he writes thousands of words. I can barely squeeze out an unfunny, half-assed blog post. BUT – I bang out some quality work at my real job. So fuck you, Gregg Easterbrook.

The Crabtree Curse continues. San Francisco was 3-1, with its only defeat a fluky last-play loss; then the 49ers signed Michael Crabtree, and are 0-3 since. All that work Mike Singletary did building team spirit on the Niners went out the window when management decided a player could jerk the team around all he wanted and still get a $17 million reward.

Is the takeaway here that San Francisco, with their shitty quarterback, was going to beat arguably the best team in football, the undefeated Colts, if they did not sign Michael Crabtree a few weeks ago?

Is that what you’re telling me?

If that’s what you’re telling me, that’s fine. I just want to be clear. A clearly inferior team lost to a clearly superior team because of how they dealt with a draft pick almost a month ago?

Is that it, really? It’s that simple?

Stats of the Week No. 5: Jim Caldwell and Josh McDaniels, who had never been head coaches at any level before becoming NFL head coaches this season, are a combined 13-1.

This is the part where Gregg should point out that he frequently criticizes NFL teams for hiring coaches with no head coaching experience at any level.

He did not point that out.

Maybe coach Tony Sparano, who continued wearing ultra-dark sunglasses even after the sun declined behind the stadium wall, couldn't see the scoreboard correctly.

This guy is fucking fascinated with what people wear in what conditions. I wonder what it’s like to be with Gregg 5 minutes after the sun has gone down and you still have your sunglasses on or if you’re overly dressed for an unseasonably warm November afternoon.

My guess: non-stop ridicule.

Sweet 'N' Sour Play No. 1: Place-kicker Josh Brown of St. Louis threw a 36-yard touchdown pass to Daniel Fells on a fake field goal attempt, then kicked the extra point; that was sweet. The two situations in which a fake field goal attempt are likely are fourth-and-short, or a long attempt that would probably miss anyway. Les Mouflons lined up for what would have been a 53-yard kick. Yet Detroit fell for the fake. Also, Detroit had no one back deep to return a potential short kick -- if there had been a deep man, he might have stopped the touchdown. The Lions' falling for an obvious trick was sour.

Well obviously it was a trick. Obviously. Obvious trick. 53 fucking yards? No one ever tries kicks from that far. When I’m an NFL coach, and the other team sets up for a 53 yard field goal attempt, I’m going with a dime package every time. I will stand on the sidelines and yell to the other coach… “nice try jackass, I’m all over your shit!” You’re not fooling me. Josh Brown is 9-14 lifetime over 50 yards indoors? Fuck you, you’re not fooling me. Fake field goal coming. Every time. Obviously.

Gregg then goes of on one of many NCAA hoops sidebars.

And it inculcates an attitude that all that matters is showing off for the NBA draft, not achieving anything lasting. Think of the Ohio State team that lost the NCAA men's championship game in 2007, or the Memphis team that lost the following year. Either team, if together a while, might have become really memorable -- Ohio State had Greg Oden and Mike Conley Jr., Memphis had Derrick Rose and Chris Douglas-Roberts. Since three of those four were freshmen, if they'd all stuck around in college longer and stayed eligible, those teams might have improved and become truly great a year or two down the road. Instead, everybody split early for the pros. It's said that in the locker room after Memphis botched the final two minutes of what would have been a national championship, Rose cried inconsolably. He'll make lots of money in the pros, but will he ever be involved in anything worth crying about?

Derek Rose also cried uncontrollably when his mother bought him the “clean” version of Nelly’s Country Grammar for Christmas in 1999. So that immediately is more important than any moment in his life when he didn't cry. I only rank things by number of tears shed, regardless of the maturity of the person.

If Chicago gets to the NBA finals this year and have it locked up in the final minutes of game 7, and then piss it away, my money is on Rose caring more about that than the NCAA final. Ed O'Bannon and Miles Simon led their teams to NCAA Championships. The NBA is the man's game, and it matters more.

I’m not sure what Easterbrook’s point is the last couple weeks regarding the interplay between college hoops and the NBA. We get it; you want college players to stay in college longer and the NBA to somehow require them to. You have many stupid anecdotes to support this.

If the Packers hold the Vikings to a field goal, they face a manageable eight-point deficit; if the Vikings get a touchdown, the game is over. As six Green Bay defenders crossed the line at the snap, TMQ said aloud, "Minnesota wins." And yea, verily, it came to pass, in this case, a touchdown pass.

Do you think he really said (aloud) “Minnesota wins”? Really? How often does he do this and end up wrong? I bet it drives his son nuts. Also, this is just a partial view of this paragraph. Bottomofthebarrel (see links) pointed out something else retarded about it.

“Yea, verily, it came to pass” has to be the most annoying phrase that I've ever read.

In Court, Confess; in Sports, Do Not Confess: Marcus Trufant of the Green Men Group was called for pass interference three times as Dallas pounded Seattle. On the third occasion, as he collided with a receiver, Trufant threw his hands up in the "I didn't do anything" gesture -- and only then did the nearby zebra reach for his flag. Never make the "I didn't do anything" gesture! It only alerts officials that you did, in fact, do something.

Let me get this straight. AS HE COLLIDED with the receiver, he began motioning that he didn’t do “anything”. ONLY THEN did the official throw a flag. Was the official going to throw the flag before he collided? What the hell are you talking about?

Also, clearly not making the "I didn't do anything" gesture wasn't helping either, since it was his third flag.

The Cardinals are quietly struggling: Dating back to the Super Bowl, they are on a 4-4 stretch. One reason is lack of discipline. Cards cornerback Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie has nine interceptions in his past 19 starts, the kind of stat announcers praise, but he gambles constantly and gets torched. Carolina ran a simple hitch and go to Steve Smith -- Smith took one step backward as if to catch a hitch, then shot down the field. Rodgers-Cromartie so totally bought on the hitch action, gambling for an interception, that he was barely in the picture as Smith caught a 50-yard touchdown pass. The game started at 2:15 p.m. local time, a time no football player's body clock is set to.

Can you just pause on the “body clock” note?

They play Monday nights, Thursday nights, Sunday Nights, Saturday afternoon, Sunday early, afternoon, Sunday nights, etc. They play in different time zones. But woah woah….NO football player's body clock is set to this 2:15 nonsense! Another stupid, contrived observation/point.

As seven defenders crossed the line at the snap, yours truly said aloud, "Miami wins." And yea, verily, it came to pass.

Please stop doing this.

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