Suns Trade for Big, Title Almost Assured

The title of this post is a summary of Scoop Jackson’s assessment of the big Shaquille O’Neal for Shawn Marion (and Marcus Banks) trade in the NBA. “Big” is apparently a nickname for Shaq, because Scoop innocuously calls him that a few times with no color provided. An example?

Big might come to town rejuvenated.

I hate you.

Let’s skip ahead to some of his thoughts (these are just excerpts, full column is here - it does include more basketball analysis than I'll lead you to believe):

And before the Suns ended up like the Grizzlies after trading Pau Gasol and getting "the twin of nothing" in return for the Matrix, they decided to get someone who, if you checked his history, guarantees your team will either get to the NBA Finals or win a ring.

That’s it, picking up Shaq guarantees you a finals appearance! Done. Start printing the t-shirts. This is based on how Shaq’s teams have performed when he was a dominating big man, which is not what he is now of course, but who cares? Why not just trade Steve Nash for Robert Horry! Steve Nash has never made the finals, and Horry has 7 rings! You can’t lose! Then you can start sizing those rings right now! It’s so easy. Is Horace Grant available? There’s a guaranteed finals appearance.

I hate this line of thinking. Well it’s always been this way, so it’ll just continue. Enron never missed a quarter either. They always made their earnings targets…and then some. Until…..they didn’t. Within about 6 weeks of announcing that they (finally) missed a quarter they became the then biggest bankruptcy of all-time. The Patriots never lost a game this season…until they lost the Super Bowl. Shaq has never played on a team that didn’t make the finals, until _____?

Maybe Phoenix will make the finals (they have a very good team and a recent history of success), but it won’t be because Orlando did in 1995. They certainly had a good chance at making the Finals without even making this trade, so it’s not like Shaq should get all the credit if they do anyway. But he will. Even if Shaq averages 5 and 5 we’ll be hearing about how his presence made winners out of the rest of the team, which had superstars but none who’ve even made a Finals before because they are losers who needed a winner to show them the way.

Orlando? Finals in three years. L.A.? Finals in four years, three rings in eight. Miami? Finals and ring in his second season.

Scoop, I just addressed this, dummy. Read the paragraphs above yours.

See, the Suns are outthinking all y'all.

Fuck you and your fucking crappy slang.

They know that one thing comes almost assured with this trade: They will win a title with Shaquille O'Neal in the lineup.

Almost assured! Done! Just wait until the last paragraph when Scoop unveils his secret for how he’ll win a title….they just have to expect nothing from him!

It's just a matter of whether the one ring they get with him is worth the years they won't win while he's still there. The Suns have never won an NBA championship -- just like Miami before Shaq arrived. And if they're smart, they can take the one they'll win and milk it for 30 years -- just like Portland. The question is if $20 million per for the next two seasons is worth getting the one year of ring service they're going to get from Shaq.

Seriously, just start printing the banners. Shawn Marion who? That guy was keeping them down!

The fact is, by attaining the services of Shaquille O'Neal and not expecting or needing much from a productivity standpoint in return, the Phoenix Suns may have made the most ingenious move in the NBA in the past 10 years. Only time will tell. It's just a matter of how wrong they -- and he -- really want to prove the world to be.

If you’re scoring at home, the most ingenious NBA move in the last 10 years is trading an All-Star player (and their best defensive player) in Shawn Marion for a seriously declining, old Shaq O’Neal who is owed a sick amount of money AND THEN NOT EXPECTING HIM TO BE OR NEEDING HIM TO BE PRODUCTIVE! Brilliant!

What do you mean only time will tell? You guaranteed them a finals spot and then said they’re going to get “one year of ring service” from Shaq! You said they were “almost assured of a title”. Time will tell my ass, this is a lock!