Friday, August 17, 2007

Stuart Scott Is Not Surprised That Others Yell Booyah at Work

Stuart Scott does a bi-weekly chat called the “Two-Way”, on ESPN.com. A handful of questions and answers get used for a one-page write-up in ESPN the Magazine. I checked out this week’s expecting the normal bland question and answer session. What I got was a trainwreck of booyahs and suckups. All grammatical errors (in the bold print) are as they were in the chat. It starts out like a normal chat, and then the wheels come off a bit. I cut several items out because it was way too long.

SprungOnSports (Long Island): How long can Donaghy end up in the slammer? Will we always be suspicious now when a controversial call is made?

Stuart Scott: (4:10 PM ET ) Not alegal expert.

Really? The Sportscenter anchors aren’t all lawyers? I pegged the “winner winner chicken dinner” guy as a Yale Law man. I think Sprung on Sports realizes you’re not an expert, but is just curious as to what your opinion is. Although I find it annoying that Sprung asks token questions in like every chat.

No idea how long, I've heard up to 25, but I have no expertise in that field.

Okay, not a lawyer – fair enough. Let’s move on.

I didn't get law degree.

Are you serious? You didn’t get (a) law degree to spout “Booyah” and “cool as the other side of the pillow” on TV. Also, you just said the same thing in three straight sentences.

Unfortunately and unfairly so I think a questionable call some might stop and think...it doesn't make sense. if it's as Stern sense, one bad apple, there's no realistic reason to quesion calls. No reason to think every QB is going to be charged with a crime because one has been charges. And that doesn't mean he did it...

Are you sure you don’t have a law degree? Those are some well crafted sentences. Can anyone parse this? Is it me or did this answer morph into a Michael Vick answer? Booyah!

SprungOnSports (Long Island): Do you think that Imus deserves another shot in radio?

Sprung on Sports gets up every day and reads the headlines, and says “I’m going to ask 3 different ESPN personalities what they think about THIS!”

Stuart Scott: (4:11 PM ET ) To be honest I could care less. I don't wonder if he deserves another shot. If someone wants to give him another shot I'm not losing sleep. If he's blackballed from radio I'm not losing sleep. I don't care to wonder about his future.

How To Say The Same Thing In 5 Consecutive Sentences, by Stuart Scott.

Franco (Philly): Stu I recently got kicked out of a board meeting for repeatedly yelling, "Booyah", do you think they were right to kick me out?

At this point I figured Franco was just making a friendly jab at Stu, and I would have thought Stu would ignore him. But Stu actually answers this, like it’s a real question. By the time Franco is done posting in this chat though I can’t tell what the F is going on.

Stuart Scott: (4:15 PM ET ) If you are yelling anything during aboard meeting you should get kicked out. You should listen, instead of yelling out random quotes.

Stu, I don’t think Franco REALLY got kicked out of a board meeting for repeatedly yelling Booyah, I think he’s just trying to be dorky and see if you’ll respond. No normal human being uses Booyah in an office setting, never mind in the presence of the bosses in a serious meeting.

Stu then had to step out for a few minutes….

Franco (Philly): Damn Stu I thought you would have my back with yelling "Booyah!"

Booyah Franco, Booyah.

Marsh (St. Louis): Stu, right on about board meetings, BOOOYAH!

I think Stu is wrong on board meetings, I think all board minutes should be written in rhymes or Snoop Dogg-ized:

“AGREED, that the P.I.M.P. who be the CEO should be grizzanted 50,000 shares of Cizzommon S to the T ock. Playa has guizzided this mothafuckin company to record dollas for 8 Quarters in a row, true dat”

Moderator: (4:28 PM ET ) What's a better, less ominous title? Keep it clean, please!

What are people writing in that we have to keep it clean? This chat is getting out of control. It only gets weirder from here.

Sean (Philly): Same thing happened to me Franco, except mine was "Winner Winner Chicken Dinner".

That’s what Sportscenter has come to. Winner winner chicken dinner.

Stuart Scott: (4:31 PM ET ) Sorry bout that

No problem.

Ben (Lawrence, KS): I think the moderator was actually Franco from Philly. He was kicked out for yelling Booyah!

Sure Ben.

Fach (NY): Stu, who would be the worse cell mate, vick or donaghy?

Stuart Scott: (4:34 PM ET ) You are making a joke of two serious situations. It's too bad for Donaghy and his family but he's an admitted felon. Vick as we speak isn't a criminal. Now the only one who could be anyone's cellmate is Donaghy.

Vick has been indicted; couldn’t he be someone’s cellmate, if convicted? Last I heard he hadn't pleaded out of any jail time.

justin (appleton, wi): Stu do you play madden,if you do what's your username i'd love to take you on head to head. Oh sorry head to cheese head

Stuart Scott: (4:37 PM ET ) Don't play video games, have no idea about fantasy FB..

Madden is a video game; not fantasy football.

sorry, I burst your bubble.

It ok Stu it ok my bubble burst but ok

In summer I work, work out, some golf, real FB and I spend free time with my family and friends. I watch Entourage, Rescue M eand So You Think with my two daughters..can't find the time to play Madden

A favorite of Stu is to tell you how he’s too f’ing busy to do whatever loser things you do, loser. He’s playing football and working out while you’re playing your fantasy Maddens, loser! Play real football!

Pam(Princeton): Stu, you seem a little testy today, everything alright/

No Pam, that’s just Stu. Stuart Scott: (4:40 PM ET ) Laughing.


Yeah right…

I'm great. Gonna do SC tonight, hosting halftime of the preseason game on ESPN>.only concern is, have to wait til tomorrow to watch So You Think...it's probly gonna be Danny, I want Sabra, though...both of them are drop dead phenomenal

Did everyone follow that? Me neither - let’s move on.

Paul (Portland, OR): Thank goodness! Someone who doesn't play video games...or it sounds like, doesn't watch reality TV either (not counting sports, which is a version of reality TV I guess).

Paul I don’t think you had to qualify your statement to clarify that watching sports is different than watching Rock of Love.

Stuart Scott: (4:41 PM ET ) no one please clal me tonight and tell me who won. I'll watch on DVR tomorrow

This was really his answer to Paul’s, um, statement.

“no one please clal me tonight and tell me who won. I'll watch on DVR tomorrow”

This is “Mr. I play football and watch cool TV shows and have no time for your stupid fantasy sports booyah” guy? He’s now imploring people on an ESPN chat to not tell him who won some stupid reality show I’ve never heard of.

Paul (Portland, OR): Whoops. Didn't realize you were referring to "So You Think You Can Dance". I guess you DO watch "reality" tv.

For some reason Stuart posts Paul’s disappointed response – he’s coming to the realization that Stu isn’t as cool as he thought. Let’s see how Stu responds!

Stuart Scott: (4:44 PM ET ) big ups to M.D. now M.D.R. and her man K.R.

Bill Simmons has a long running joke about "speaking Stu Scott". I honestly think we’ve crossed through another dimension here. Sort of like the space-time continuum put in a blender with a bunch of abbreviations and Booyahs. I guess he’s congratulating someone for getting married, as a response to Paul’s observation?

Franco (Philly): Stu do you think it would be acceptable if at the next board meeting instead of yelling "Booyah" if i told my boss that he was "as cool as the other side of the pillow!"

I can’t tell if Franco is cool and is making fun of Stu (like me!) or if he’s very very very lame and he wants Stu to like him.

Stuart Scott: (4:49 PM ET ) Franco--Sucking up isn't pretty either. Boss'd be more impressed if you did more listening! Listen more, talk less, suck up less

Stu is opting for none of the above and thinks Franco just needs advice on how to act at work. Which I’m beginning to think is the right way to go.

Stuart Scott: (4:50 PM ET ) stop groveling man, save the booyah for when you get home

Or, never? You could use the booyah…never? Because at this point it’s like saying “whoomp, there it is!”

Krackman (Newark, NJ): Stu I thing Franco want to be you? Next he will get a fade and wear suite like you. Careful he may be a groupy.

Stu wanted us to read this, but there’s no response. I will say that I would expect nothing less than the above from a guy named Krackman in Newark.

Roman (Waco, TX): Hey Stu, in my opinion, the top five shows on T.V. are CSI (Las Vegas), PTI (with both Kornheiser and Wilbon), America's Test Kitchen, House, and of course SportsCenter. What is your top five?

Stuart Scott: (4:58 PM ET ) 24, FNLights, Grays Anatomy, Rescue Me, Lost....

In all seriousness, Stuart usually spends his chats offering real opinions on current subjects, and it’s not usually this terrible (it is difficult to read, though), but this became a Bill Simmons chat a half hour ago. Without the jokes. He has to be in a meeting or eating dinner or something while he does this. It's all so half-assed.

Ben (Lawrence, KS): Is ESPN making a "Sportscenter Anchors" poster series? Where can I get a vintage Bob Ley?

I have no idea what to add. Neither did Stu he didn’t respond. Ben, you’re weird.

Pam(Princeton): Krackman needs to lay off the krack! that's some grammer job

And that is perfect irony. No response from Stu.

Pam(Princeton): Stu, not sucking up here, but I think you are really handsome

Yeah that’s not sucking up at all.

Stuart Scott: (5:00 PM ET ) Pam---Thank you. And I was telling Franco the Groveler about work stuff..genuine flattery I'm all good with!

Work stuff? FRANCO DID NOT REALLY GET KICKED OUT OF A BOARD MEETING YOU IDIOT! Why am I getting upset about this?

Oh right, I’m a petty asshole.

Sean (Philly): America's Test Kitchen? I may have to DVR that so I can find out what it is.

You do that. See in Keith Law chats there are a lot of book recommendations, but what you don’t see is this:

Joe blow: Keith, what are you reading?
Keith Law: I’m reading “In Search of Lost Time”
Joe blow: Hey cool I’ve never heard of that book. I will now “log on” to amazon.com, and I will enter that name in the search field with my credit card in hand and I will purchase it.

Because Joe blow is just wasting our time. Stu? He puts that shit in. With no response.

Ben (Lawrence, KS): Stu, If ESPN does a "Sportscenter Anchors" poster series, will yours feature you dunking on Shawn Bradley?

Ben this is the second time you’ve asked about getting Sportscenter anchor posters. This is not amusing and is a little disturbing. Also, wouldn’t the poster just be him sitting behind a desk with that stupid smirk on his face?

Stuart Scott: (5:01 PM ET ) No, it'll feature me catching TD pass over Champ Bailey

Oh, or that of course.

Ryan (Schulenburg, TX): Stuart, i'll give you major cash if you can catch a TD pass over my favorite player, champ bailey.

Stuart Scott: (5:03 PM ET ) Ryan, I make enough cash...that's about my own pride

You’re rich and awesome. Pride isn't getting you to catch a pass over Champ Bailey.

Franco (Philly): Agree with you on Grey's Anatomy pal!

This is not interesting! I don’t read chats to hear what Franco in Philly likes! I read them to try to figure out what Stu is saying so I can make fun of it! Also, Franco, please put Stu’s dick down for a few minutes, okay buddy? I thought you were picking on him with the board room booyah thing, but now I’m thinking you’re just kissing his ass.

Pam(Princeton): You are welcome! Now, can we please talk CFB next time?

If you wanted to talk college football, Pam, then maybe you should have asked him a college football question instead of hitting on him. He's here to answer questions, not just toss topics out there.

In case you haven’t noticed, Pam, Ben, Sean and Franco have like 200 posts in this chat.

Sean (Philly): I still haven't seen Rock 4.5 (Rocky 5 never really happened in my mind), have you seen it?

What movie is he talking about, Rocky Balboa? That’s topical.

Sean (Philly): Mental Booyah's Franco, Mental...

Yes, those posts are exactly as they went down, with no response. Sean in Philly had 8 posts.

Ryan (Schulenburg, TX): I wanna see Chris Berman rob a Barry Bonds homerun in one of those poster series!

I’m so lost. What poster series? Is this really fun? I want to see Linda Cohn 69 Pam Oliver in a poster series! No!! I don’t!!!

Pam(Princeton): FN lights is the best show no one watches

Pam, thanks so much for that insight. That was your 8th post. Also, you could have asked a college football question there as well, since that's what you want him to talk about.

Franco (Philly): Relax there Krackman. Just because I have a little mancrush on Stu doesn't mean I wanna be like him.

Franco after your first post I thought you were kind of funny, now you're just a whacko. The Philly/New Jersey/New York area apparently grinds to a screeching halt when Stuart Scott is chatting.

I can’t wait to see them actually craft this into an ESPN the Magazine column.

2 comments:

Liston said...

Dear Good Guy At Sports,

I am a fan of sarcasm and I am a fan of making fun of dipshits. This is very funny. I am a fan of this now.

Love,

Liston

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