Bill Simmons Draft Diary Diary

I unfortunately had to miss the draft last week, but I knew that Bill Simmons would give me the scoop, with his annual draft diary. I started out tearing this mofo apart, but unfortunately I got pretty bored with it, so I've only briefly commented on a few posts, below.

4:30 p.m. (PT): Thanks to rumors that the Celtics might trade the No. 5 pick, Wally Szczerbiak and Delonte West for a soon-to-be 32-year-old shooting guard coming off double ankle surgeries (Ray Allen), I just spent the last 20 minutes on basketball-reference.com trying to find one great shooting guard who didn't decline significantly in Years 12 through 14 of his NBA career. Here's the list: Reggie Miller. That's it. Also, I just threw up in my mouth and some of it went up the back of my nose.

Wow, right off the bat. I had post number 5 for the “threw up in my mouth” joke pool.

4:35: Jay Bilas calls Greg Oden "the ultimate high character guy." I would have gone with Gandhi.

I think when Bilas makes statements about players, he’s speaking about them in the context of them being NBA draft prospects. But, you know, good gag!

4:36: Stephen A. Smith on Portland taking Oden: "They better pick him -- THAT'S THE SENSIBLE THING TO DO." We're nearing the phase of his career when Smith might need to change his gimmick, kind of like when Puffy changed to P. Diddy. I think "Stevie A." or "The Notorious S.A.S." could buy him another two years. That's the sensible thing to do.

Billy S. The Sports Gentleman. Mr Sports Gal. You're just as stale, pal.

4:36: The Blazers select Greg Oden with the first pick -- a moment that would have been much more exciting if Ric Bucher and his new Gordon Gekko hairdo hadn't ruined it. (Note: After Buke's report, I wanted to "break" the report that the Sonics would pick Kevin Durant second; none of my editors would oblige. Cowards.) Meanwhile, Oden gets a full-fledged, "Thank God he seems like a good guy" smile from Stern during their handshake. If there was a bizarro version of the moment when he shook hands with J.R. Rider in 1995, that would have been it.

Rider was drafted in 1993, but close!

4:39: "You can't teach 7 feet!" The Notorious S.A.S. screams.
(See, it works. I told you.)

It didn’t work

4:40: I have to say, Oden seems like a legitimately good guy. Even Stu Scott seems charmed. If the Blazers were "Platoon," Oden would be Willem Dafoe, Zach Randolph would be Tom Berenger, and Brandon Roy would be the Charlie Sheen character caught in the middle between good and evil. The more I'm thinking about it, they might need to trade Zach. Like, right now.

Platoon, that’s topical. I can figure out the analogy based on the NBA dudes, but me and everyone else hasn’t seen Platoon in the last decade.

(Note: And just wait until John Hollinger comes out with his inevitable "Every quality 2-guard in NBA history declined as a player after Year 12 except Reggie Miller" feature to torture me. You know it's coming. Damn you, John Hollinger. Damn you.)

The majority of quality players have declined as a player after Year 12. This is not groundbreaking. It’s like saying, “no NFL running back improves after year 8.”

4:51: Al Horford speaks English, Spanish and Portuguese, but unfortunately, he doesn't speak Stu Scott. Have I used that joke before? Ah, screw it. I feel more depressed than an Elliott Smith album right now.

You have, but I love when ESPN guys make fun of other ESPN guys. I give Simmons kudos for this. He made jokes at Steven A. and Bilas' expense a bunch of times too.

5:12: Just had the following exchange with my buddy House:
House: "I'm driving home from softball, did your team make a trade?"Me: "Yeah, we traded the fifth pick, Wally and Delonte for Ray Allen."House: "Noooooooo!" (Raucous laughter.)

Fucking House, man. Tell me when something House says doesn't result in raucous laughter!

5:19: Just won a three-team parlay on Charlotte grabbing UNC's Brandan Wright at No. 8 (the old WNBA strategy strikes again!), Jay Bilas loving the pick ("He runs the floor like a deer!") and Bilas calling his wingspan "extraordinary" (easy money).

That Bilas is sooooo predicable, unlike Bill Simmons. I will now light myself on fire.

5:32: Looking disturbingly like Chris Mihm, Spencer Hawes goes 10th to the Kings. Now they have a young center who can't rebound or protect the rim, an aging center (Brad Miller) who can't rebound or protect the rim, a guy who started the biggest melee in NBA history (Ron Artest), the coach from "Hang Time" (Reggie Theus), tons of bad contracts, and owners (the Maloofs) who've made more reality-TV-show appearances than every other NBA owner combined. What a mess. O.J. Mayo should just buy a house in Sacramento now and get it over with.

Mark Cuban, an NBA owner, had a reality TV series (The Benefactor), so I don’t think that math will hold up.

5:37: The Notorious S.A.S. spends 60 seconds questioning Chicago's Noah pick, wonders why the Bulls didn't address low-post scoring without mentioning a single alternative (either in the draft or through trade), then adds at the end, "Again, [John] Paxson knows what he's doing, he's a phenomenal executive." I'd like that minute of my life back. No, really.

What he’s saying is factual, and would lead a listener to understand that they will likely be addressing the low-post scoring need. What do you want him to do, spout out massive 4 team deals that he thinks would solve everyone’s problems but no one would ever do, like you?

5:39: Our long national nightmare is over: The Hawks finally drafted a quality point guard (Acie Law IV). It's like Billy Knight just pooped in our fridge and ate a whole wheel of cheese, isn't it? Mark Jackson celebrates the occasion by making a midget joke.

I get the Anchorman reference, but I don’t get the joke. So we aren’t mad, because it’s amazing? Why would we be mad? What? Wouldn't the joke work better if he did something so dumb, even for him, that it amazed us? Never mind.

Yup, I’m one of his readers.